Juggling two "lives" right now.

I feel like I have two lives these days - 

Public Life: where no ones know Mike + I have broken up + as far as most of my friends know, I am planning to live in Connecticut until who-knows-when.

Private Life: where I am once again single (+ confident in being so) and will be moving to LA in oh, about six weeks time.

WOWZA.  Lots for a girl to handle.  I'm doing okay with it though, honestly.

To catch you up on the work front, I was officially offered the position I had proposed to my boss a couple of months ago, which I gleefully accepted.  Same pay (which going from NY to LA is in effect like a raise because of the lower cost of living, yippee), the responsibilities I had requested and more (which have me managing the Dallas, Texas region on up to Montana - you read that right, Nicole!!!), and I get to mainly work from home...my home in Los Angeles!  Yahoo...couldn't have worked out better on that front, if you ask me.

The move is happening in January.  They are still trying to fill my position here in New York, hence cannot give me an exact date, but the position I am filling in Texas will be open and ready for me to step into as of the last week of December.  So we're playing a little balancing game at the moment, but it will be sorted out soon.

Meanwhile, my job change affects two of my other lovely coworkers (taking a few of their state responsibilities from them), so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that when they get the news today from my boss, that they will not be resentful of me...  I feel badly for that one.

Mike + I put in our apartment release request yesterday, so we officially will no longer pay rent in Stamford come January 27.  I should be on the West Coast by then, anyway, but that is the date I will be financially not responsible for the rent here.

So gosh, I don't know when it will officially become public that I'm turning in my Metro Card and heading back to sunny Southern California.  I am trying to put off for as long as I can making it official about me and Mike, simply because I hate sharing those sorts of details with work (we're all Facebook friends), and I certainly hate having Facebook people that you aren't really close with anyway, making all sorts of "omg what happened???? i thought u were so in luv!!" comments.  You know the ones.

So once again, I am grateful to have this private little forum to share the ups and downs and private things with. :)

xoxo

The Monday after.

Have you ever loved someone that you knew you had to let go? 

Damn, it's hard.  I don't wish it upon anyone.  Knowing that you have full control of making the choice of either:
a) causing them to sob their heart out with grief over losing you, or 

b) you having to put your own happiness and sanity at the forefront and choosing to not live in a situation that you know is unhealthy for you and only will grow increasingly unhealthy as time goes on.

That may have been a run-on sentence/thought, but I know you get my drift.

The break-up conversation was not gnarly in the way that I had somehow anticipated in my head that it would be.  It was completely the opposite.  Mike was full of remorse, support, regret, love, and more remorse.  And tears.  Gosh we both cried buckets full. 

I have to pause here to make sure to paint Mike appropriately, as half of you have not met the man: He is a good man.  A very good man.  He has mental health issues that he does not address responsibly, and he has made unwise decisions - haven't we all? - but he is a good man.  

And I do love him.  But as Samantha in Sex and the City infamously said, "But I love me more."  And we all should love ourselves and value ourselves to the point that we put ourselves first in serious situations such as this. I've learned so many valuable lessons from this relationship, ladies.  And when you lose a love, I think that as long as you take away lessons learned, it was 1000% worth every step that you took together. 

Wow, I'm corny today.  Break-ups tend to make me feel insightful apparently...

Happy Monday, ladies.  xoxo

Exiting the rollercoaster.

It's been a while since an update.  To get you informed quickly, all I can say is that everything has been going well...lots of efforts, Mike is seeing a therapist, yadda yadda.  I've been chugging ahead with my plans to move back to LA in January (still hush hush in some parts of my real life), and because of this, Mike has been planning to move as well.

We visited his parents last weekend for a day before we flew West to see my family for the holiday.  The day with his parents was painful and so uncomfortable - they are upset about the move. 

We've spent the last six days in Los Angeles and Las Vegas gallivanting around town with my family and friends and letting Mike get the vibe for the city.  He's had some inklings of freaking out every so often and I've tried to somewhat ignore them, but I've had this terrible nagging in my head ever since we got to LA.  This situation isn't right.  Him being here with me, planning to move out here with me isn't right.  Thinking it and feeling it is one thing - I was trying to figure out how to handle these feelings, considering he has been interviewing for jobs out here and he has his mentality programmed to the idea that he is moving here in six weeks time.

Then yesterday happened.  He was quiet half the day - very un-Mike like.  Then he freaked out in the afternoon.  I told him he needs to figure out what his decision is on the move and to stick with it, because the wavering is making me crazy.  (And annoyed. Very annoyed.)

Then last night, I went to bed early around 930 pm and took a Valium to help with the pain that my broken elbow is still feeling (if you missed that I broke my arm, read up on LITC for the details).  Mike stayed up with my sister and brother-in-law.  At 1230 am, the bedroom door opens, he turns the overhead lights on to wake me up (from my drug-induced sleep, mind you), and starts in with a raised voice on how my family is pressuring him on which neighborhood to live in (absolutely not the case) and how he cannot please everyone, yadda yadda yadda....It went on for two and a half hours.  I kept telling him to quiet down, calm down, simmer down, shut up because I was certain everyone in the house could hear him because he was being SO LOUD....everything I could.  And I do not tell people to shut up.  I think that's a rude thing to say, but jeezus did the man need to shut the fuck up.  He went into full blown anxiety attack.  I told him I would not speak to him until the morning when I was properly awake and he was not in the midst of an attack - not to mention that he was drunk.  (Which I have also had numerous talks with him about moderation in his alcohol intake - to no avail.) 

That was it.  As he was on his tirade, I found myself thanking God for sending me a situation that warrants me standing my ground and saying that this is not what I want for my life.  It's been something that I've seen and been too chicken-shit to take action on.  I'm embarrassed of myself, because I've always called myself a strong and independent woman, but I feel like I was weak and foolish in this situation.  This whole entire situation, starting from dealing with X, the texting of the random girl, all the obvious mental health issues.

But I have learned.  If nothing else, I know more now than ever what I want in a partner.  I also know that I need a serious detox from being in a relationship, once he and I go our separate ways after my move.  (We still live together in CT.)

This is going to be a super tense couple of months still having to live together until my move.  And the conversation that I still have to have with him once we are alone is going to be a gnarly one, I can feel it.  But I will be strong this time. 

As always, thanks for listening, gals.  xoxo