I've not been the most regular at updating this blog so far, and I attribute that to a few things:
1. It is really hard to open up and spill your guts...to anyone. I've actually begun to let my guard down in my personal life in regards to these issues lately, and my mom has once again become my #1 confidante for everything that is going a bit wacky right now with Mike.
2. There are some days that I've wanted to write, but I don't think I have the emotional capacity to relive the issues that have newly arisen. Sometimes I just want to block them out of my mind and try to move forward.
3. Mike and I live together. It's sometimes hard to get some "me" time without getting interrupted or him asking me what I'm up to.
The last week and a half have been such a roller coaster. I had my weekly therapy appointment last Tuesday, and after diving into a somewhat uneventful week, I disclosed to my therapist that Mike's panic attacks and night terrors seem to be growing worse and more frequent. She made it clear that Mike needs to see a psychiatrist to make sure that his anti-anxiety meds are at the right dosage and that he needs to see a therapist. He needs to work through whatever it is in his subconscious that is preventing him from having positive and healthy days, and in my opinion, he needs to do it fast. Each day that he is putting it off is making being in this relationship that much more painful for me. And it shouldn't be that way.
My therapist was kind enough to spend half an hour printing out doctors in our area that take his insurance. She went through each one, telling me what their strengths were and making note of whether or not she would recommend Mike going to them. I brought the papers home eight days ago, and Mike has not touched them.
1. It is really hard to open up and spill your guts...to anyone. I've actually begun to let my guard down in my personal life in regards to these issues lately, and my mom has once again become my #1 confidante for everything that is going a bit wacky right now with Mike.
2. There are some days that I've wanted to write, but I don't think I have the emotional capacity to relive the issues that have newly arisen. Sometimes I just want to block them out of my mind and try to move forward.
3. Mike and I live together. It's sometimes hard to get some "me" time without getting interrupted or him asking me what I'm up to.
The last week and a half have been such a roller coaster. I had my weekly therapy appointment last Tuesday, and after diving into a somewhat uneventful week, I disclosed to my therapist that Mike's panic attacks and night terrors seem to be growing worse and more frequent. She made it clear that Mike needs to see a psychiatrist to make sure that his anti-anxiety meds are at the right dosage and that he needs to see a therapist. He needs to work through whatever it is in his subconscious that is preventing him from having positive and healthy days, and in my opinion, he needs to do it fast. Each day that he is putting it off is making being in this relationship that much more painful for me. And it shouldn't be that way.
My therapist was kind enough to spend half an hour printing out doctors in our area that take his insurance. She went through each one, telling me what their strengths were and making note of whether or not she would recommend Mike going to them. I brought the papers home eight days ago, and Mike has not touched them.
The night that I brought the papers home, I went to bed early, and Mike stayed up watching television in the living room. I popped awake around midnight and came out to see that he was still on the couch watching tv. He had his phone in his hand and was typing something. I leaned down to give him a hug and kiss, and my eye was caught by X's last name being on his texting screen. It turned out it wasn't X, but was her younger sister, and he had started texting with her because he was sad. I asked him about it, and he got defensive saying that he knew I wouldn't be able to not be nosey about his speaking with her.
I was awake all night, upset. We had discussed his maintaining a friendship with X's sister, and I had no problem with that. However, I do take issue with him reaching out to her when he is in a low emotional state and is needing to seek comfort. Going to X's family or friends when he needs to be comforted is a slap in the face to me.
The next morning, I had to go into work early, but I refused to grapple with the feelings that I was having for the entirety of the day. I asked him to wake up a few minutes before he needed to so that we could talk. I told him that I would not stay in a relationship with someone who has one foot in his past still. I deserve both feet, dammit, and if he is unable to plant both feet firmly in front of me, that I would painfully have to step away.
The day was filled with him calling me, starting an argument or a question, and then him hanging up on me. I knew he was replacing what would normally be an anxiety attack with allowing himself to just be angry, so I let him. I didn't know what else to do.
Long story made short, we were able to make up that afternoon, and he came home that night. Things throughout the weekend seemed to be completely focused on the preparation for Irene hitting us here in Connecticut, so I think that's really what allowed for a peaceful weekend relationship-wise.
At some point Sunday night, in his sleep, he asked me why I can't just let him be happy. He didn't remember saying this, come morning time.
Last night, Mike got a call from his old boss in Syracuse, New York, basically offering him a job. She loves Mike and wants him back on her team up in Syracuse, and last night, the position she dangled was actually a step up from his position now. We've discussed multiple times that he could go back to Syracuse with a job if he was so inclined, but it's always come down to me not having work opportunity in Syracuse, and also the fact that I do not care to live in Syracuse...it is a very small town that has terrible snow seven months of the year. That is not my idea of a good place to live.
So when Mike brought it up to me again last night, I truly thought that since we'd had this discussion probably six other times, that he knew where I stood on the idea of relocating to Syracuse. Apparently he didn't know, so I had to go through my list of reasons once more for why I do not want to live in Syracuse, and also for why I do not want to leave my great job right now. He stood up and as he was walking out of the room said to me, "There are only so many opportunities that I can let pass me up, you know." Whaaaat is that supposed to mean?!
This sparked an argument, with him saying that I've been angry and sad all day (in no way was I angry or sad prior to this conversation, although I did spend the entire fielding the "are you okay?" questions from him, when I had given him absolutely no reason to even question if I was not okay), and that our relationship has some very serious issues right now.
A friend of ours is staying with us still due to his building being out of power because of the storm, so about that time, he got to our apartment, and our discussion had to cease.
Last night, I woke up to Mike having night terrors again, tossing and turning, and saying "I hate myself" in his sleep. It just keeps getting worse.
I was awake all night, upset. We had discussed his maintaining a friendship with X's sister, and I had no problem with that. However, I do take issue with him reaching out to her when he is in a low emotional state and is needing to seek comfort. Going to X's family or friends when he needs to be comforted is a slap in the face to me.
The next morning, I had to go into work early, but I refused to grapple with the feelings that I was having for the entirety of the day. I asked him to wake up a few minutes before he needed to so that we could talk. I told him that I would not stay in a relationship with someone who has one foot in his past still. I deserve both feet, dammit, and if he is unable to plant both feet firmly in front of me, that I would painfully have to step away.
The day was filled with him calling me, starting an argument or a question, and then him hanging up on me. I knew he was replacing what would normally be an anxiety attack with allowing himself to just be angry, so I let him. I didn't know what else to do.
Long story made short, we were able to make up that afternoon, and he came home that night. Things throughout the weekend seemed to be completely focused on the preparation for Irene hitting us here in Connecticut, so I think that's really what allowed for a peaceful weekend relationship-wise.
At some point Sunday night, in his sleep, he asked me why I can't just let him be happy. He didn't remember saying this, come morning time.
Last night, Mike got a call from his old boss in Syracuse, New York, basically offering him a job. She loves Mike and wants him back on her team up in Syracuse, and last night, the position she dangled was actually a step up from his position now. We've discussed multiple times that he could go back to Syracuse with a job if he was so inclined, but it's always come down to me not having work opportunity in Syracuse, and also the fact that I do not care to live in Syracuse...it is a very small town that has terrible snow seven months of the year. That is not my idea of a good place to live.
So when Mike brought it up to me again last night, I truly thought that since we'd had this discussion probably six other times, that he knew where I stood on the idea of relocating to Syracuse. Apparently he didn't know, so I had to go through my list of reasons once more for why I do not want to live in Syracuse, and also for why I do not want to leave my great job right now. He stood up and as he was walking out of the room said to me, "There are only so many opportunities that I can let pass me up, you know." Whaaaat is that supposed to mean?!
This sparked an argument, with him saying that I've been angry and sad all day (in no way was I angry or sad prior to this conversation, although I did spend the entire fielding the "are you okay?" questions from him, when I had given him absolutely no reason to even question if I was not okay), and that our relationship has some very serious issues right now.
A friend of ours is staying with us still due to his building being out of power because of the storm, so about that time, he got to our apartment, and our discussion had to cease.
Last night, I woke up to Mike having night terrors again, tossing and turning, and saying "I hate myself" in his sleep. It just keeps getting worse.
He called me this morning when he got to the office, and with excitement in his voice, he said: "There are two jobs that have opened up with my company in Raleigh!" I was a bit stunned after our discussion last night about Syracuse that he was putting another relocation opportunity on the table. Again, he got frustrated at me when I said that moving at the moment is not something that I am wanting to do.
I told him today that I am worried about him. Worried about his anxiety, his night terrors, his unhappiness, and his comments about not liking himself. I asked him if he had looked into the therapists at all, and he quickly and flippantly answered "nope". And then he "had to go" because he was at work. He's on the way home soon because he has a work-from-home afternoon, and I am actually dreading him coming home, because I know it is going to turn into a fight...another unnecessary fight.
I think it's almost time for me to admit that I'm on a sinking ship. I love him though, which makes that something that is truly difficult to type, much less say out loud.
Here we go, ladies... As always, I appreciate any thoughts, comments, or words of wisdom.
