Questions.

I just wrote the following in an email to my dear friend, Alix, and I decided to share this here as well. 
Things here are...good.  Is that possible?  I feel like people will think I'm an idiot if I take Mike back.  Maybe I feel like I'll be the one thinking I'm an idiot.  I don't know.  He's making a million efforts, and really trying hard.  We'd been talking before all of this exploded about him coming to LA with me.  That was when there was no definite date on it.  When everything hit the fan, I set the timeline for MYSELF in place: try to head back at the New Year.  Now if things work out with us, I've also put this timeline on him, without his input.  I don't feel guilty for it too much, because I had to do what I had to do, for me.  But I do know that it's a huge stresser on him.  He wants to be with me, he doesn't want us to be apart.  And that means then that he has to be prepared to leave everything he's ever known his whole life (he's only lived in New England ever), to depart on a cross-country question mark, hoping that it will all work out.  Maybe that's indirectly his karma punishment for the mistakes he's made.  Do you think I'm a fool? 

Job + Mike updates.

Oh my word, if all of us blog friends could all just live in the same city, could you imagine how darn fun and supportive and nurturing that community would be?! Oh I can't even believe the helpful, loving, and considerate comments that you guys have given me on here and elsewhere (twitter, calls, texts, etc).  My cousin, Nicole's sweet husband, Patrick, even called me tonight to tell me that my Montana family is rooting for me.  Gosh do I love them.

Therapy was amazing and helpful as always.  It was great to sit and talking to my therapist, who is such a lovely woman. 

Mike came home before noon today.  He couldn't sit in his office, he said, when he needed to show me now how much I mean to him.  I had a lot of work to do still (I work from home), so it was a combination of us talking between my calls, etc.  I've never seen a man cry and plead like that before.  It definitely made me sad, but I stuck to my guns and maintained that words cannot fix this.  If this is anything to be fixed, only actions will do the job. 

So the next time I looked up, Mike was on the phone finding a therapist in our town that takes his insurance.  Then he had blocked and deleted X's little sister from his facebook.  (X is already blocked + deleted.)  Then he blocked X's phone number, her sister's phone number, and their home phone number from calling or texting his cell phone.  Then he constantly was filling my coffee cup and my water cup and making me a smoothie (do I like beverages enough?) and doing anything he could to show that he was making an effort.  It's very nice, but I obviously need much, much more than just this. 

Also, I spoke with my manager today about the move.  She was so supportive and nurturing and understanding.  Then we hung up and our President called me immediately once she shared the news with him.  He was shocked and bummed that I wanted to leave my New York position, but super understanding and sang my praises, saying how much he doesn't want to lose a valuable player like me in his corporation.  That was good to hear.  My manager and him are supposed to speak tomorrow and brainstorm where I could fit in to the company from an LA-based position, and then I am meant to speak to them again on Thursday or Friday to catch up.  They are moving fast...I really appreciate that they are taking me so seriously.

Just lots of big changes, ladies.  But I can handle them all.  Handling them with grace is my challenge, but I'm up for it.  Here's to wishing me luck...

Breathe in, breathe out.

I can't even share everything that happened last night, because there are some things that sometimes happen in a relationship that no one else would understand ever, besides the two people in the relationship.  Do you know what I mean? 

Oh my God though, so much happened last night. 

I fell asleep with Mike pleading with me to believe his love for me.  Me saying that I love him too, but realizing that I was simultaneously wondering if, after all of this, I still could love him as much.  And is it even worth anything at that point, if you still love someone, but not as much as you once were able to?  Let me tell you what I am a pro at - numbing myself when emotions become overwhelming.  When my dad died?  Didn't feel the entirety of the pain for about six months, because I turned my emotions off and disallowed myself from feeling.  Mike betraying my trust?  Emotions are turned off, and I cannot figure out what I am feeling.  Trust me, if I could help it, I would.  I need to know what I feel and think about all of this.

We are still in a limbo state - I did not retract my choice to break up with him. 

He was running back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen last night to get me Sprite and Alka Seltzer and rub my back when I thought I was going to be sick from all the nausea.  I fell asleep sick to my stomach with it all. 

Before I move on to this morning, I must say my one mean, hateful, spiteful thing.  Although I know that Mike is to blame for all of his actions, I hope that X gets kicked in the stomach with a boot full of karma one day soon.  I absolutely, positively think she is a wretched woman and I loathe her.  (Phew, glad I got that anger out of my system.)

This morning I woke up nauseated.  Partly because of this turmoil, but partly because I have a conference call with my boss today to review my work from September (I am kicking ass, by the way.  Who grows their business 165% in a month? - This girl!  Yahoo!  Okay, back to my somber state...), and today is the day I am planning to open the discussion of me transferring back to Los Angeles, and asking her if I can forfeit my East Coast Account position to then manage the Midwest Accounts...but from the West Coast.  Lots of "if"s on that one.

So, reasons for nausea:

1) I am searching my soul to make sure that this really is the choice that I want to make.  I miss my family dearly as-is. I really have come to the harsh realization that my friends here are extremely few (okay, to be honest, I have one real friend here in New York who is just my friend and not a friend by way of my relationship with Mike).  And everything that has happened with Mike has been a catalyst to my needing to be back in a secure environment, where I have people that love me closer than a 3,000 mile flight away, ie with my family.

2) I am so unsure of what will end up happening with Mike.  If I move though, we are talking 3,000 miles.  I might as well be in Paris with the distance that I would be moving from him. 

3) At the end of the day, I have to know that Mike has made selfish decisions as of late.  He has made choices without considering me.  And not that I am advocating for any sort of eye-for-an-eye play, but if he can so blatantly disregard me in those ways, I need to step back from my emotions that are all entangled with him right now and I need to make a solid decision for myself, whether or not he is meant to be in the picture. 


One great thing about today is that I have therapy in an hour.  God, I love therapy.  I have a woman, that has life experiences and training, that helps guide me, and she only wants to talk to me about me.  How wonderful is that to have?  She tells me I do not need therapy, but I still relish that hour I get to spend with her each week, sorting through all of this mish mosh.

Opinions, thoughts, encouragement, support....anything you can offer me today, ladies, I really sure do need it.  Gosh do I owe you gals for your friendship.

xoxoxo

Oh boy.

Oh boy.  Boy oh boy oh boy.

I just don't know.  He has spent the entire day showering me in his remorse.  I "knocked him flat on his ass" last night and he "will do anything it takes to not lose me".  It's so difficult knowing what to do.  When do you stop fighting?  How do you determine what's worth just one more effort?

Three of you that read this blog have actually met Mike.  My cousin, Nicole (from Prairie Princess), even hosted Mike + me for a week when we visited her in Montana this summer.  If you know Mike,  you generally love him.  There's nothing not to love about him.  Even through these trials he is pulling me through, my love for him hasn't lessened a bit.

And that's the hard part.

And I have another big something to divulge to you...I've been contemplating for a few months, and this past week (before all this happened), I decided that after three years here in NY/Connecticut, I would like to move back to LA.  (For my two cousins who read this blog, this is a huge hush-hush from everyone in my "real life" so far.)

So that obviously throws just one more big kink in everything, because now it's either: we are together, and he comes along to LA with me (he loves LA), or we are done with it and I leave and that is the end of it all.

Can you sense through the screen how clouded my mind is?

The morning after.

It's still true.  I broke up with him last night and I have stuck to my decision.

I had a scheduled post today on LITC to go up about Mike's performance next week.  I let it still go up.

I don't wish the man anything but love, even still.  But I cannot stand by and allow him to hurt me time after time.  Even if he has zero intention of hurting me, he still is doing damage.

I hope you are all having an easier Monday morning than I am.

xoxo.

The inevitable.

I am hurting so badly, ladies.

Since my last post things had been better...Mike finally, FINALLY took ownership of him being the main contributor to the discord between us, and he was supposedly working hard to move forward.  He recognized that he has been consistently hurting me, and how he was consistently hurting me.  With his flirtatious texts with some random girl, his occasional continued conversations with X.  Not treating me like I'm the greatest girl in his world.  (We all deserve to be treated that way.)

I'll spare you all the details of the nice days that we've had together since the last post.

He pushed the final button tonight.  He told me he has to be friends with X.

I told him that he knows that that is my bottom line, and I cannot do this anymore.  We are done.

I believe in everything happening for a reason and that everything always turns out for the better.  But I am hurting right now, my friends.

I want to just scream.

As bad things sometimes tend to, the events from last night's post grew worse.  Mike was so apologetic and sweet to me all evening and all morning, being very tender while speaking to me, etc.

Then, mid-morning, I booked a work flight for next Wednesday - an early morning flight from NY to Chicago and a late evening flight home from Chicago to NY.  I had scheduled an appointment with a top account in Chicago so I would be gone just for the day to see her.  I sent Mike the itinerary, and he called me to follow up...

We had been planning a long weekend in Virginia from next Thursday to Sunday, which was in my calendar, so I had made sure to book my appointment for no later in the week than Wednesday.  So Mike called and brought it to my attention that I must have not realized we were planning on leaving Wednesday after work to drive down to Virginia.  I had totally spaced.  I didn't have Virginia written on my calendar for Wednesday, so in booking my flights I assumed all was fine.

I started apologizing, and feeling so guilty that I was messing up our plans, I started going into options of what I could do to fix the situation - reschedule my flight from Chicago to go to DC, where he could pick me up; schedule an earlier return flight to NY and we could drive from there, etc.  I did sound upset, because I felt badly that I'd made a goof on the scheduling and it was interfering with our mini-vacation, but my upset made Mike annoyed.  He kept telling me to calm down, to which I kept saying, "I am, I am just trying to find a solution."  He then quickly and coldly said, "I can't do this right now.  You are driving me insane."  At which point, my already hurt and sensitive feelings caused me to burst into tears.  "What is wrong with you?!  You are going off the deep end!" he yelled at me.  I tried to just explain to him that his cold tone and harsh words just sent my hurt feelings over the edge, but I was blubbering through tears as I said it.  "This is like talking to a child," he said, and then hung up.

I thought of just not calling him back, because he'd hurt my feelings so much.  But I decided, no, that I needed to tell him that he hurt my feelings.  So I called him back and said just that.  "You are dragging yesterday's events into today and this is all snowballing into you being hysterical," he said.  I told him that after yesterday's events, I really needed a little extra TLC from him, and he wasn't showing it a bit during this situation.  He said something back in a condescending tone, I don't even remember what, and I started crying again.  I said, "You disrespected me and our relationship to some girl I don't even know, and I was working to get past my hurt feelings over that.  At the same time, I messed up on something and was trying to fix it, and sure, you kept telling me it wasn't a big deal, but your tone conveyed otherwise.  And then you told me I make you insane and that I'm off the deep end.  If I'm off the deep end, it's an effect of your actions, Mike, and you are being anything but kind to me right now.  If it were me that had sent a message to some guy about what would have happened had we ever had sex, you wouldn't have been nearly so understanding.  You would have left and gone to your friend's house for the night for 'space'." 

I don't quite remember what was said next, just that he raised his voice, and I freaked.  "Stop yelling at me, stop it, stop it, stop it!"  And I hung up and threw the phone.

And he's emailed me a couple of times, telling me that when I calm down to call him, etc.  But I will not be calling him.  He was the one in the wrong on all of these things, and he gives his pride and being right precedence to wanting to make sure he hasn't hurt my feelings.  I'm so tired of it.  

All I want to do now is scream.

Thanks for listening, girls, I really appreciate being able to vent here.

The gray area of flirting with someone else.

I haven't checked in on here in a while...It's been hectic with work, out-of-town visitors, and now me being super sick.  I'm going on a week tomorrow of an upper respiratory infection that totally has me knocked on my ass.

I came across something today though that I had to get off my chest, and I really didn't know who to turn to, besides you girls. 

Last night as I was heading to bed,  Mike was out on the couch watching tv.  He had had a few drinks and was curled up with a comforter and pillow looking quite comfy and I said, "Oh, are you going to sleep out here tonight?"  He said he might, because he was so cozy and because I've been so sick.  No big deal.

As I was filling up my water cup and just putting away a few things in the kitchen though, I kept hearing his phone "bing" and realized that he was texting like crazy...very unlike him, as he really hates typing on his phone and hardly will be seen texting.  Last time that he was texting late and had decided to sleep in the living room after a few drinks was when I found out he had been texting X's little sister.  (Remember that?)  So my interest was right away piqued.  "Wow you're blowing up over there!" I said.  "Yah, it's a friend from college.  I don't want to talk on the phone though so I'm trying to wind up the conversation." 

I know him all too well.  A) He thinks I am nosy whenever I make off-hand comments like that, so he normally wouldn't fill me in on who it was.  That he jumped to informing me who he was texting was strange of him.  B) The second sentence explaining why he was texting so much was even more information that he normally wouldn't share.

So today when he got home and went for a run, I did a "bad" thing and checked his phone.  It was a girl, we'll call her AE, who I'd never heard of before.  They had texted for an hour and a half back and forth.  I scrolled quickly through the messages, still thinking they might just be nothing, when I saw in the middle of all the scrolling the words, "I can't.  I live with her."

Obviously, I started from the beginning then and read through each message.  She was reaching out to say hi, how are you.  He said hey, how are you back.  She said nothing, that she was in bed, and that she was going to go visit...blahblahblah.  His response: "In bed huh? ;)"

My heart started pounding.  

She answered "I could have a really great answer to that one, but I'm sure your gf wouldn't appreciate it."  

Him: "You're horny."  

Her: "Someone else is too apparently!"  

Him: "Who's that?" 

And then that thought was dropped.  A bit more bantering and then,
Him: "Would we still be friends if we had had sex?"
Her: "What?"
Him: "If we had had sex, do you think that we would still be friends?"

And then,

Him: "I'm scared of where I'm at right now.  In my relationship and all."
Her: "Can you call me?  I'm worried about you.  I will always care about you no matter what or how long it's been since we've seen each other.  You're the type of person that I would answer the phone to at 3 am to help pick you up from your lowest point.  I will always be here for you.  Call me, I will talk with you about why you are scared."
Him: "I can't.  I live with her."

And then it trickled off and they went to bed.  She texted him today too, but he didn't answer her.

The thing that's so weird about this is that I can't figure out if he did something wrong or not.  I mean, I think he did, but I'm not entirely sure.  Let's just say if it were me that had said those things to a guy that I had almost dated (I deciphered that from the entire text conversation that they had almost dated a few years ago), I would feel super guilty and like I had done something wrong.  He's normally the king of having a conscience and telling me the truth about everything, so I'm really surprised that he actually hasn't somehow told me about it and downplayed it.  And I can't bring it up to him, because then he'd know I'd looked through his phone.

What do you girls think?
***Update:  I "borrowed" his phone to text my sister tonight, and the phone "accidentally freaked out" (my story at least) and landed on the texts that said "What if we'd had sex?"  I brought it to him, shaking with adrenaline, and asked him about it.  He said, "She's an old friend from college who has always had a crush on me, and we were discussing the ability to be friends with ex's or not, because she is having trouble with her ex-boyfriend right now.  And I brought up, 'Well what if we'd had sex?' meaning, would we still be friends?  I thought about it this morning and realized that it was an inappropriate thing to have said, and I'm really sorry."  I cried a little because my feelings were hurt, and although I do think that he was out of line, I do 'buy' his story and said I forgave him, but that he did hurt my feelings.  As for what he was saying about being scared in the relationship he's in, we had a talk about that sort of separately, and he was honest that he doesn't feel as confident in us as he has in the past, and I told him that I honestly felt the same way and can't hold that against him.  We agreed that we want to be together, and we will see where it goes in the long run,  but for now, we are both present here and now.