The rest of the story.

Ladies, thank you so much for your super sweet emails and comments already today.  You have begun instantly to make me feel comfortable in sharing these thoughts with you, knowing that so many of you have experiences that are similar or that you can draw from to know how I am feeling.

Now, for how it has all turned out...

***

X returned from her out-of-the-country trip, as scheduled, and began messaging + calling MPD at once.  I knew she was reaching out to him - he told me - but he kept putting off answering her or writing back to her texts.  Finally, last Wednesday, he asked if he could call her that coming Friday.  He mentioned this to me, and I don't know what happened - what clicked in my head, and what didn't - but I lost it.

It had been a full year that this person had been reeking havoc on our relationship.  A full year since she'd started making her underhanded and sly comments to try to get into his head and under my skin.  A full year since her actions had begun causing upset between MPD + me.  I couldn't take another two days, simply because he was scared or nervous to speak with her and hurt her feelings.  My feelings were hurt, dammit, and mine were meant come first.

I wish I'd gone about voicing these thoughts and emotions in a kinder way, but as it happens when you hold feelings inside for too long, I burst.  I spat my words, I raised my voice, I called him a coward for not protecting me, and us, from the beginning from this girl, naive as she may be or not.  (I firmly believe she is not, he firmly believes that she is.  Another matter we cannot meet in the middle on.)  Wow, I was mean.  I told him that finding the ability to forgive him for allowing me and us to be hurt had evaded me thus far, and that I was really struggling with simply not being angry with him.  He told me I was vicious and that he was seeing a side of me that was full of anger that he had never seen in me before.

Back and forth, the evening went on with us both trying to voice our feelings, both of us trying to have our feelings heard.  We did make progress (this situation notwithstanding, we actually do communicate with each other super well), and we eventually called the evening quits.  ...But not before I eventually agreed to see a therapist for my inability to forgive and move past the fact that I've been hurt.

The week ended with MPD calling X, and I don't know the details of it all, but she finally understands that she is no longer able to be a friend of his.  No phone calls, messages, or any form of communication has been attempted as of yet - thank goodness. 

However, things are different right now with MPD + me.  I'm not the sweet, ever-loving girl that he's known since the day we met anymore.  He's seen a part of me that he apparently didn't want to see.  Walking away isn't an option for us, and we both feel that way.  We love each other way too much, and we do know that this too shall pass.  But I've been thrown off ever since last week, trying to sort out who I am versus who I see myself as.  Trying to figure out what is wrong with me that I can be so easily angered and have such trouble in being able to dole out forgiveness to anyone who has harmed me.  I keep coming back around to the fact that I feel completely justified in my anger, which can't be the healthy answer here - not when more than one person is involved.  Which is why I don't think that an outside perspective would be harmful, and which is why I have booked my first visit with a therapist for tomorrow morning. 

Have any of you seen a therapist before?  Did you feel that it helped you in any way?  I'd love your feedback.