Progress?

He left this morning.

Gosh, did that hurt.  If I didn't have an appointment this morning for therapy, I may not have been able to arise from the sheets before noon.

I saw my therapist, and gosh does she help me.  She reaffirmed my feelings and built my confidence in order for me to make the next step that was to come: outlining for Mike what my issues are exactly and what I need for him to do in order to fix the problems, if he so wills to.

So I sent the following letter to him early this afternoon:

Hi my love,

Saturday afternoon's argument in the car stuck with me.  I know that we both ended up backing away from the disagreement rather quickly, but the feeling of the argument - another argument to add to the ones that have come about lately - seeped into me and left me upset, and truly feeling weakened.  This upset sent me into a mission to figure out exactly how I feel inside about the discord we've been experiencing. 

It came to this:  almost every argument or short tempered reaction or sharp response that has hurt me so much lately are not normal traits of yours.  I feel that they've been brought on by inconsistent doses and intervals of taking medicine, as well as by the possibility that the level/type of medicine that you are currently taking may not be right for you anymore.  The repercussions of not being regimented about your dosage and being afraid of, or just plainly resistant to, visiting and consulting a doctor don't affect just you anymore, darling - they are taking a large toll on me as well. 

You have a letter from an emergency room doctor advising you to seek a higher level of medication.  If you are concerned about limiting your access to the fast acting medication, I understand, and my offer to keep any of that sort of medication for you still stands.  I love you desperately, and I want and need you to love yourself and acknowledge the necessity of and take action in regards to seeing a doctor.  I know that you do not want to, but the people around you that are witnessing the affects that anxiety has upon you, and the one(s) you love the most, are asking and so strongly recommending that you readdress your doctor.

I've been expending so much energy lately in making sure that I do not react in a way that will upset you or make you scared that I am angry or mad or sad, that is making me constantly have to think and edit things through before I say them.  I need you to be confident in yourself and us enough to allow me to have reactions in my own natural way without the fear of it upsetting you.  This goes along, I think, with the rest of what I've mentioned here.

This is the hardest part.  In thinking so much about this subject, I realize that I cannot make you do anything that you are not willing to, and I have no desire to force you to do something that you do not have a desire to do.  I have realized though, that if you are not able to bring yourself to get help in addressing what is affecting you and why, I cannot sit here hoping that the occurrences will change and get better.  Issues with anxiety are not a situation that will get better on its own, and I know that you are aware of that.  We have to tackle it and get it under control.  I know you can do it, and I will be right here with you if you do.  But I need you first and foremost to want and take action in helping yourself. 

Please think about this, and realize that everything I've just said comes from me loving you so much that I want you and us to succeed through anything and everything.

I love you.

Love,
Lacey 

I got a phone call from him a few minutes ago, and as we hung up, he was preparing to call his doctor to schedule the first available appointment.  I didn't even have to prod him to ask me if I'd like to come along to the appointment.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes that this might be a breakthrough...