Where to start? I've been unable to make myself sit at the keyboard and put into words what exactly is going on... I've realized it's because I just don't know.
Mike's gone to his doctor, who said that he thinks he is on the right medication at the correct dosage for his anxiety, but that his problem is that he has been so inconsistent with his dosage. Fine. My request for him to get emergency (read: fast acting) meds, like the Xanax that the emergency room doctor suggested, was not fulfilled. He doesn't want emergency meds, he says, so he didn't ask. Fine.
Sunday night when I had to go to bed with a splitting headache, and he came to bed telling me that we were falling apart and that he didn't think we were going to make it. I had no energy to ask at that point, with my head pounding, what he meant by all of that, so I waited until the morning to approach the subject. He said he was emotional and rambling. I said I thought we were working so hard to get past the "falling apart" stage and I thought that we were moving into the "recovering slowly but surely" stage. He said he agreed. This left my mind swimming with trying to understand his thought process through the entire thing...
I spoke to my cousin this week quite a few times. She has her degree in psychology and has worked in the field for a few years. She reads this blog so is totally up to date on what's been happening. I was telling her Tuesday night how I finally had to tell Mike that I don't think he realizes he does it, but that he consistently makes underhanded comments that put me down. "Could you be messier?" "Cmon...shut a cabinet for once ever." "You were ten minutes late getting here...don't worry, from you I just expect it."
"That's not usual Mike," she said. (She knows him.) "He is projecting his unhappiness onto you...I think he's depressed." The thought had crossed my mind a few times as well.
Last night, I came home with news that I had surpassed my super stretch sales goal for the year already (in September!) and that this meant fabulous things for me bonus-wise at the end of the year. We decided to go out to dinner to celebrate. He was excited for me, but by the end of the evening, he was focused on how he doesn't make enough money to have a lot left over, that I make more than him, that he never was able to pursue his real dream of performing (he has an amazing singing voice), that his family has always discouraged him....and on and on and on. And then, that I am the only thing in his life that makes him happy. That nothing else makes him happy.
I told him I want him to be happy with most if not all aspects of his life, not just with me. This caused a back and forth - me staying calm, him getting a bit aggressive in his tone - and ended with him sleeping on the couch all night again.
Then this morning he apologized for upsetting me, and asked me if he's bringing me down. Yes, I told him. I need to be with the Mike that is a happy person, in general. He told me he is happy, and that he's sorry his words kept going in a different direction than he meant them to, that each time he spoke he got himself further from what he was meaning.
Do you see why I keep not knowing what to think, say, do???
If I were reading about someone else going through this ordeal a year ago - without the understanding that I now have of his anxiety issues, etc - I would think that they were being nuts to be sticking around. But when you love someone, you will grab onto any ray of light that shines through all of the murkiness to hope that the positive part of the entire situation will prevail.
Again, I just don't know.
He has a ton of events this weekend up in Northern Connecticut, so he is staying with his friend up there from tonight through Monday. I have a hugely busy weekend approaching with work, so it might just be another good break from each other, trying to figure out what we both want. Or trying to understand that what we need may be different from what we want. And what we need is more vital for us to have in the long run, than the want. Putting that into action is another thing, though.
Mike's gone to his doctor, who said that he thinks he is on the right medication at the correct dosage for his anxiety, but that his problem is that he has been so inconsistent with his dosage. Fine. My request for him to get emergency (read: fast acting) meds, like the Xanax that the emergency room doctor suggested, was not fulfilled. He doesn't want emergency meds, he says, so he didn't ask. Fine.
Sunday night when I had to go to bed with a splitting headache, and he came to bed telling me that we were falling apart and that he didn't think we were going to make it. I had no energy to ask at that point, with my head pounding, what he meant by all of that, so I waited until the morning to approach the subject. He said he was emotional and rambling. I said I thought we were working so hard to get past the "falling apart" stage and I thought that we were moving into the "recovering slowly but surely" stage. He said he agreed. This left my mind swimming with trying to understand his thought process through the entire thing...
I spoke to my cousin this week quite a few times. She has her degree in psychology and has worked in the field for a few years. She reads this blog so is totally up to date on what's been happening. I was telling her Tuesday night how I finally had to tell Mike that I don't think he realizes he does it, but that he consistently makes underhanded comments that put me down. "Could you be messier?" "Cmon...shut a cabinet for once ever." "You were ten minutes late getting here...don't worry, from you I just expect it."
"That's not usual Mike," she said. (She knows him.) "He is projecting his unhappiness onto you...I think he's depressed." The thought had crossed my mind a few times as well.
Last night, I came home with news that I had surpassed my super stretch sales goal for the year already (in September!) and that this meant fabulous things for me bonus-wise at the end of the year. We decided to go out to dinner to celebrate. He was excited for me, but by the end of the evening, he was focused on how he doesn't make enough money to have a lot left over, that I make more than him, that he never was able to pursue his real dream of performing (he has an amazing singing voice), that his family has always discouraged him....and on and on and on. And then, that I am the only thing in his life that makes him happy. That nothing else makes him happy.
I told him I want him to be happy with most if not all aspects of his life, not just with me. This caused a back and forth - me staying calm, him getting a bit aggressive in his tone - and ended with him sleeping on the couch all night again.
Then this morning he apologized for upsetting me, and asked me if he's bringing me down. Yes, I told him. I need to be with the Mike that is a happy person, in general. He told me he is happy, and that he's sorry his words kept going in a different direction than he meant them to, that each time he spoke he got himself further from what he was meaning.
Do you see why I keep not knowing what to think, say, do???
If I were reading about someone else going through this ordeal a year ago - without the understanding that I now have of his anxiety issues, etc - I would think that they were being nuts to be sticking around. But when you love someone, you will grab onto any ray of light that shines through all of the murkiness to hope that the positive part of the entire situation will prevail.
Again, I just don't know.
He has a ton of events this weekend up in Northern Connecticut, so he is staying with his friend up there from tonight through Monday. I have a hugely busy weekend approaching with work, so it might just be another good break from each other, trying to figure out what we both want. Or trying to understand that what we need may be different from what we want. And what we need is more vital for us to have in the long run, than the want. Putting that into action is another thing, though.
2 comments:
Congrats on the sales goals!
I am sorry you are going through this. I love you very much and am here no matter what u need.
My motto always was
Meds..... Come hell or high water...
I know everyone is different, so keep writing and we will be here for you.
Xoxo from german,
Cwh
Aw Im so sorry you're going through this sweetie! I don't think your nuts for sticking around, you're trying to make it work. No relationship is easy. Maybe he is depressed as well. Does his meds help with that too? Im on an anti-depressant thats also for anexiety, Citalopram. (Yeah not many people know Im on it lol, you never know who are going through these things!)
I wish you all the best on pulling through.
Oh & can you add the email add megantheaevans@gmail.com to this as well?
M x
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