The rollercoaster continues.

Where to start?  I've been unable to make myself sit at the keyboard and put into words what exactly is going on...  I've realized it's because I just don't know.

Mike's gone to his doctor, who said that he thinks he is on the right medication at the correct dosage for his anxiety, but that his problem is that he has been so inconsistent with his dosage.  Fine.  My request for him to get emergency (read: fast acting) meds, like the Xanax that the emergency room doctor suggested, was not fulfilled.  He doesn't want emergency meds, he says, so he didn't ask.  Fine.

Sunday night when I had to go to bed with a splitting headache, and he came to bed telling me that we were falling apart and that he didn't think we were going to make it.  I had no energy to ask at that point, with my head pounding, what he meant by all of that, so I waited until the morning to approach the subject.  He said he was emotional and rambling.  I said I thought we were working so hard to get past the "falling apart" stage and I thought that we were moving into the "recovering slowly but surely" stage.  He said he agreed.  This left my mind swimming with trying to understand his thought process through the entire thing...

I spoke to my cousin this week quite a few times.  She has her degree in psychology and has worked in the field for a few years.  She reads this blog so is totally up to date on what's been happening.  I was telling her Tuesday night how I finally had to tell Mike that I don't think he realizes he does it, but that he consistently makes underhanded comments that put me down.  "Could you be messier?" "Cmon...shut a cabinet for once ever." "You were ten minutes late getting here...don't worry, from you I just expect it."

"That's not usual Mike," she said.  (She knows him.)  "He is projecting his unhappiness onto you...I think he's depressed."  The thought had crossed my mind a few times as well. 

Last night, I came home with news that I had surpassed my super stretch sales goal for the year already (in September!) and that this meant fabulous things for me bonus-wise at the end of the year.  We decided to go out to dinner to celebrate.  He was excited for me, but by the end of the evening, he was focused on how he doesn't make enough money to have a lot left over, that I make more than him, that he never was able to pursue his real dream of performing (he has an amazing singing voice), that his family has always discouraged him....and on and on and on.  And then, that I am the only thing in his life that makes him happy.  That nothing else makes him happy.

I told him I want him to be happy with most if not all aspects of his life, not just with me.  This caused a back and forth - me staying calm, him getting a bit aggressive in his tone - and ended with him sleeping on the couch all night again. 

Then this morning he apologized for upsetting me, and asked me if he's bringing me down.  Yes, I told him.  I need to be with the Mike that is a happy person, in general.  He told me he is happy, and that he's sorry his words kept going in a different direction than he meant them to, that each time he spoke he got himself further from what he was meaning.

Do you see why I keep not knowing what to think, say, do???

If I were reading about someone else going through this ordeal a year ago - without the understanding that I now have of his anxiety issues, etc - I would think that they were being nuts to be sticking around.  But when you love someone, you will grab onto any ray of light that shines through all of the murkiness to hope that the positive part of the entire situation will prevail.

Again, I just don't know.

He has a ton of events this weekend up in Northern Connecticut, so he is staying with his friend up there from tonight through Monday.  I have a hugely busy weekend approaching with work, so it might just be another good break from each other, trying to figure out what we both want.  Or trying to understand that what we need may be different from what we want.  And what we need is more vital for us to have in the long run, than the want.  Putting that into action is another thing, though.

Progress?

He left this morning.

Gosh, did that hurt.  If I didn't have an appointment this morning for therapy, I may not have been able to arise from the sheets before noon.

I saw my therapist, and gosh does she help me.  She reaffirmed my feelings and built my confidence in order for me to make the next step that was to come: outlining for Mike what my issues are exactly and what I need for him to do in order to fix the problems, if he so wills to.

So I sent the following letter to him early this afternoon:

Hi my love,

Saturday afternoon's argument in the car stuck with me.  I know that we both ended up backing away from the disagreement rather quickly, but the feeling of the argument - another argument to add to the ones that have come about lately - seeped into me and left me upset, and truly feeling weakened.  This upset sent me into a mission to figure out exactly how I feel inside about the discord we've been experiencing. 

It came to this:  almost every argument or short tempered reaction or sharp response that has hurt me so much lately are not normal traits of yours.  I feel that they've been brought on by inconsistent doses and intervals of taking medicine, as well as by the possibility that the level/type of medicine that you are currently taking may not be right for you anymore.  The repercussions of not being regimented about your dosage and being afraid of, or just plainly resistant to, visiting and consulting a doctor don't affect just you anymore, darling - they are taking a large toll on me as well. 

You have a letter from an emergency room doctor advising you to seek a higher level of medication.  If you are concerned about limiting your access to the fast acting medication, I understand, and my offer to keep any of that sort of medication for you still stands.  I love you desperately, and I want and need you to love yourself and acknowledge the necessity of and take action in regards to seeing a doctor.  I know that you do not want to, but the people around you that are witnessing the affects that anxiety has upon you, and the one(s) you love the most, are asking and so strongly recommending that you readdress your doctor.

I've been expending so much energy lately in making sure that I do not react in a way that will upset you or make you scared that I am angry or mad or sad, that is making me constantly have to think and edit things through before I say them.  I need you to be confident in yourself and us enough to allow me to have reactions in my own natural way without the fear of it upsetting you.  This goes along, I think, with the rest of what I've mentioned here.

This is the hardest part.  In thinking so much about this subject, I realize that I cannot make you do anything that you are not willing to, and I have no desire to force you to do something that you do not have a desire to do.  I have realized though, that if you are not able to bring yourself to get help in addressing what is affecting you and why, I cannot sit here hoping that the occurrences will change and get better.  Issues with anxiety are not a situation that will get better on its own, and I know that you are aware of that.  We have to tackle it and get it under control.  I know you can do it, and I will be right here with you if you do.  But I need you first and foremost to want and take action in helping yourself. 

Please think about this, and realize that everything I've just said comes from me loving you so much that I want you and us to succeed through anything and everything.

I love you.

Love,
Lacey 

I got a phone call from him a few minutes ago, and as we hung up, he was preparing to call his doctor to schedule the first available appointment.  I didn't even have to prod him to ask me if I'd like to come along to the appointment.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes that this might be a breakthrough...

I am so transparent.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  

 

Mike could tell that something is off with me, ever since our Saturday afternoon argument.  He brought it up a couple of hours ago, and we sat down on the bed and had a super level conversation.  I told him that I love him, but I have lost so much confidence in us.  He agreed - he feels the same.  We both know we love each other immensely and that we are best friends, but we were actually able to voice out loud that we may not be the best thing for each other anymore. 

God, does that hurt to acknowledge to each other. 

He's agreed to give me space this week, and he is packing a bag tonight so that when he leaves for work in the morning, he will stay at his friend's lake house until Friday. 

I called my mom and spoke to her for an entire hour while she was at work, her just listening to me sobbing.  My heart is breaking, but I am simultaneously feeling some relief.  Albeit small, it is still relief. 

Love really effing hurts sometimes, girls.

Privacy settings.

As the nature of this blog is obviously very personal, I thought it'd be smartest to put some privacy settings on here... If you can see this, I have added you through your email address so that you can read when you are signed in. 

Ups + downs, ups + downs.

I can feel my conscious slowly catching up with what I believe my subconscious already knows... 

The stupidest thing sparked an argument on Saturday morning - I was trying to help him fix a problem that had arisen (he needed a gift for a friend whose house we were about to reach, and I was driving and needed to find a place to get a gift quickly), and he got angry at me for reasons that are too long and minute to need to go into.  Finally, I let the tiniest amount of frustration on my end become apparent, and his temper tantrum went even further with him raising his voice and going into "Why are you even with me?", "We aren't happy together", etc., etc. 

We spent the rest of the evening and an overnight with his friends, and for a good part of the evening, I was somewhat despondent.  A few minutes before we arrived to their home, he had dropped the attitude and went back to speaking to me like normal, like nothing had just stifled his patience and heightened his volume and temper past an acceptable point. 

This time though, it stuck with me.  I didn't shake it off, relieved that he had dropped it and content to move on without dissecting what had just happened.  It stuck with me. 

It stuck with me throughout the night's sleep - it turned into one of those subconscious sleeps where technically, yes you are "asleep", but your mind is churning through something that is overshadowing your real life.  I woke up, and I texted my mom: "Thank you for raising me to be strong and confident, and know that I can handle anything that comes my way."  She knows what has been going on the past few weeks...I had finally let her in on Mike's anxiety issues the night he was admitted to the ER after the Kenny Chesney concert.

Anyway, whatever it was that stuck with me from our spat on Saturday seems to have seeped into me, like really seeped into my mind and made me aware that I can handle the repercussions if Mike + I were to break up.  Living together is really the biggest bitch of it all - trying to make sure I can handle the rent and bills solo, especially on top of my newly found car payment.  I've crunched the numbers though, and if need be, I can do it.

Then you think of all the plans that are already in place for the upcoming months:  We have a vacation to the Virginia shore booked for next month, Los Angeles + Las Vegas for Thanksgiving with my family, and Key West for a week in March.  It's him that will be out the plane ticket fare to LA or airline points that were his that we used to book Key West, and I feel guilty for that.

It just...it has to change.  Something has got to give for this to move forward in a positive way. 

OH!  And I completely forgot to mention that I asked him again to go see a therapist or visit his doctor to re-evaluate his medicine type and dose.  He even received a letter in the mail on Friday from the emergency room we visited last month during his huge panic attack, and it suggested that he switch medication immediately, as his was obviously not working, and it even suggested which medicine would be more affective for his level of anxiety.  When I pushed the subject, what did he say to me?  That he actually has been very spotty with his medication for the last month, and that is the reasoning for his recent and frequent attacks.  For me to be patient while he gets back on his medication regularly and that then I will see that his medicine actually is right for him.

I didn't express it, but I was angry and resentful.  You've been putting yourself and me through hell, dragging me through an emergency room in a town that was foreign to me, waking me up with your attempt to gasp for air every night multiple times per night, and all because you have not been responsible enough to keep up with your once-a-day medication?! 

I never foresaw my life, especially due to a relationship, being such the roller coaster that it is lately.  Being in love with someone who, it turns out, is not healthy for you, is such a heart wrenching situation.

Addendum:  I have to mention that this morning, upon waking up, I felt blue and down.  I walked into the living room, where he was working on a project, and he looked up and said with a sweet smile, "Good morning, love of my life."  And just now, handing me my phone that was blinking, "You have a message, baby baby."  (Baby baby is our silly nickname for each other.)  These sweet times then just add to my mental confusion and inability to figure out which direction to turn and firmly plant my feet. 

Last night...

Last night was wonderful.  I can't even express to you, after yesterday's post, how relieved I was to have last night be so effortless. 

Mike came home, and we talked about his medication + the therapy, and he disclosed that he has not been very regular with his medicine the past few weeks.  He asked for me to give it a week of him being back on his medication regularly before I ask him again to see a therapist.  I don't really think that he should forgo a therapist, whether or not he is taking his medicine regularly, but I met him in the middle and said okay.  And after I said okay, I of course asked him to PLEASE understand that when he forgets to take his medicine, it affects me as well as him. 

The rest of the night was...the best mood ever.  We joked and danced and laughed all evening, I made a delicious dinner, and we were our normal coupley selves, eating together and cheersing at the dinner table.

We'll see if this sustains.  Fingers crossed!

It seems to be never-ending...

I've not been the most regular at updating this blog so far, and I attribute that to a few things:

1.  It is really hard to open up and spill your guts...to anyone.  I've actually begun to let my guard down in my personal life in regards to these issues lately, and my mom has once again become my #1 confidante for everything that is going a bit wacky right now with Mike.

2.  There are some days that I've wanted to write, but I don't think I have the emotional capacity to relive the issues that have newly arisen.  Sometimes I just want to block them out of my mind and try to move forward.

3.  Mike and I live together.  It's sometimes hard to get some "me" time without getting interrupted or him asking me what I'm up to. 

The last week and a half have been such a roller coaster.  I had my weekly therapy appointment last Tuesday, and after diving into a somewhat uneventful week, I disclosed to my therapist that Mike's panic attacks and night terrors seem to be growing worse and more frequent.  She made it clear that Mike needs to see a psychiatrist to make sure that his anti-anxiety meds are at the right dosage and that he needs to see a therapist.  He needs to work through whatever it is in his subconscious that is preventing him from having positive and healthy days, and in my opinion, he needs to do it fast.  Each day that he is putting it off is making being in this relationship that much more painful for me.  And it shouldn't be that way.

My therapist was kind enough to spend half an hour printing out doctors in our area that take his insurance.  She went through each one, telling me what their strengths were and making note of whether or not she would recommend Mike going to them.  I brought the papers home eight days ago, and Mike has not touched them. 

The night that I brought the papers home, I went to bed early, and Mike stayed up watching television in the living room.  I popped awake around midnight and came out to see that he was still on the couch watching tv.  He had his phone in his hand and was typing something.  I leaned down to give him a hug and kiss, and my eye was caught by X's last name being on his texting screen.  It turned out it wasn't X, but was her younger sister, and he had started texting with her because he was sad.  I asked him about it, and he got defensive saying that he knew I wouldn't be able to not be nosey about his speaking with her.

I was awake all night, upset.  We had discussed his maintaining a friendship with X's sister, and I had no problem with that.  However, I do take issue with him reaching out to her when he is in a low emotional state and is needing to seek comfort.  Going to X's family or friends when he needs to be comforted is a slap in the face to me. 

The next morning, I had to go into work early, but I refused to grapple with the feelings that I was having for the entirety of the day.  I asked him to wake up a few minutes before he needed to so that we could talk.  I told him that I would not stay in a relationship with someone who has one foot in his past still.  I deserve both feet, dammit, and if he is unable to plant both feet firmly in front of me, that I would painfully have to step away. 

The day was filled with him calling me, starting an argument or a question, and then him hanging up on me.  I knew he was replacing what would normally be an anxiety attack with allowing himself to just be angry, so I let him.  I didn't know what else to do.

Long story made short, we were able to make up that afternoon, and he came home that night.  Things throughout the weekend seemed to be completely focused on the preparation for Irene hitting us here in Connecticut, so I think that's really what allowed for a peaceful weekend relationship-wise.

At some point Sunday night, in his sleep, he asked me why I can't just let him be happy.  He didn't remember saying this, come morning time.

Last night, Mike got a call from his old boss in Syracuse, New York, basically offering him a job.  She loves Mike and wants him back on her team up in Syracuse, and last night, the position she dangled was actually a step up from his position now.  We've discussed multiple times that he could go back to Syracuse with a job if he was so inclined, but it's always come down to me not having work opportunity in Syracuse, and also the fact that I do not care to live in Syracuse...it is a very small town that has terrible snow seven months of the year.  That is not my idea of a good place to live.

So when Mike brought it up to me again last night, I truly thought that since we'd had this discussion probably six other times, that he knew where I stood on the idea of relocating to Syracuse.  Apparently he didn't know, so I had to go through my list of reasons once more for why I do not want to live in Syracuse, and also for why I do not want to leave my great job right now.  He stood up and as he was walking out of the room said to me, "There are only so many opportunities that I can let pass me up, you know."  Whaaaat is that supposed to mean?!

This sparked an argument, with him saying that I've been angry and sad all day (in no way was I angry or sad prior to this conversation, although I did spend the entire fielding the "are you okay?" questions from him, when I had given him absolutely no reason to even question if I was not okay), and that our relationship has some very serious issues right now. 

A friend of ours is staying with us still due to his building being out of power because of the storm, so about that time, he got to our apartment, and our discussion had to cease.

Last night, I woke up to Mike having night terrors again, tossing and turning, and saying "I hate myself" in his sleep.  It just keeps getting worse.

He called me this morning when he got to the office, and with excitement in his voice, he said: "There are two jobs that have opened up with my company in Raleigh!"  I was a bit stunned after our discussion last night about Syracuse that he was putting another relocation opportunity on the table.  Again, he got frustrated at me when I said that moving at the moment is not something that I am wanting to do.

I told him today that I am worried about him.  Worried about his anxiety, his night terrors, his unhappiness, and his comments about not liking himself.  I asked him if he had looked into the therapists at all, and he quickly and flippantly answered "nope".  And then he "had to go" because he was at work.  He's on the way home soon because he has a work-from-home afternoon, and I am actually dreading him coming home, because I know it is going to turn into a fight...another unnecessary fight.

I think it's almost time for me to admit that I'm on a sinking ship.  I love him though, which makes that something that is truly difficult to type, much less say out loud.

Here we go, ladies...  As always, I appreciate any thoughts, comments, or words of wisdom.