I can't even share everything that happened last night, because there are some things that sometimes happen in a relationship that no one else would understand ever, besides the two people in the relationship. Do you know what I mean?
Oh my God though, so much happened last night.
I fell asleep with Mike pleading with me to believe his love for me. Me saying that I love him too, but realizing that I was simultaneously wondering if, after all of this, I still could love him as much. And is it even worth anything at that point, if you still love someone, but not as much as you once were able to? Let me tell you what I am a pro at - numbing myself when emotions become overwhelming. When my dad died? Didn't feel the entirety of the pain for about six months, because I turned my emotions off and disallowed myself from feeling. Mike betraying my trust? Emotions are turned off, and I cannot figure out what I am feeling. Trust me, if I could help it, I would. I need to know what I feel and think about all of this.
We are still in a limbo state - I did not retract my choice to break up with him.
He was running back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen last night to get me Sprite and Alka Seltzer and rub my back when I thought I was going to be sick from all the nausea. I fell asleep sick to my stomach with it all.
Before I move on to this morning, I must say my one mean, hateful, spiteful thing. Although I know that Mike is to blame for all of his actions, I hope that X gets kicked in the stomach with a boot full of karma one day soon. I absolutely, positively think she is a wretched woman and I loathe her. (Phew, glad I got that anger out of my system.)
This morning I woke up nauseated. Partly because of this turmoil, but partly because I have a conference call with my boss today to review my work from September (I am kicking ass, by the way. Who grows their business 165% in a month? - This girl! Yahoo! Okay, back to my somber state...), and today is the day I am planning to open the discussion of me transferring back to Los Angeles, and asking her if I can forfeit my East Coast Account position to then manage the Midwest Accounts...but from the West Coast. Lots of "if"s on that one.
Oh my God though, so much happened last night.
I fell asleep with Mike pleading with me to believe his love for me. Me saying that I love him too, but realizing that I was simultaneously wondering if, after all of this, I still could love him as much. And is it even worth anything at that point, if you still love someone, but not as much as you once were able to? Let me tell you what I am a pro at - numbing myself when emotions become overwhelming. When my dad died? Didn't feel the entirety of the pain for about six months, because I turned my emotions off and disallowed myself from feeling. Mike betraying my trust? Emotions are turned off, and I cannot figure out what I am feeling. Trust me, if I could help it, I would. I need to know what I feel and think about all of this.
We are still in a limbo state - I did not retract my choice to break up with him.
He was running back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen last night to get me Sprite and Alka Seltzer and rub my back when I thought I was going to be sick from all the nausea. I fell asleep sick to my stomach with it all.
Before I move on to this morning, I must say my one mean, hateful, spiteful thing. Although I know that Mike is to blame for all of his actions, I hope that X gets kicked in the stomach with a boot full of karma one day soon. I absolutely, positively think she is a wretched woman and I loathe her. (Phew, glad I got that anger out of my system.)
This morning I woke up nauseated. Partly because of this turmoil, but partly because I have a conference call with my boss today to review my work from September (I am kicking ass, by the way. Who grows their business 165% in a month? - This girl! Yahoo! Okay, back to my somber state...), and today is the day I am planning to open the discussion of me transferring back to Los Angeles, and asking her if I can forfeit my East Coast Account position to then manage the Midwest Accounts...but from the West Coast. Lots of "if"s on that one.
So, reasons for nausea:
1) I am searching my soul to make sure that this really is the choice that I want to make. I miss my family dearly as-is. I really have come to the harsh realization that my friends here are extremely few (okay, to be honest, I have one real friend here in New York who is just my friend and not a friend by way of my relationship with Mike). And everything that has happened with Mike has been a catalyst to my needing to be back in a secure environment, where I have people that love me closer than a 3,000 mile flight away, ie with my family.
2) I am so unsure of what will end up happening with Mike. If I move though, we are talking 3,000 miles. I might as well be in Paris with the distance that I would be moving from him.
3) At the end of the day, I have to know that Mike has made selfish decisions as of late. He has made choices without considering me. And not that I am advocating for any sort of eye-for-an-eye play, but if he can so blatantly disregard me in those ways, I need to step back from my emotions that are all entangled with him right now and I need to make a solid decision for myself, whether or not he is meant to be in the picture.
One great thing about today is that I have therapy in an hour. God, I love therapy. I have a woman, that has life experiences and training, that helps guide me, and she only wants to talk to me about me. How wonderful is that to have? She tells me I do not need therapy, but I still relish that hour I get to spend with her each week, sorting through all of this mish mosh.
Opinions, thoughts, encouragement, support....anything you can offer me today, ladies, I really sure do need it. Gosh do I owe you gals for your friendship.
xoxoxo
2) I am so unsure of what will end up happening with Mike. If I move though, we are talking 3,000 miles. I might as well be in Paris with the distance that I would be moving from him.
3) At the end of the day, I have to know that Mike has made selfish decisions as of late. He has made choices without considering me. And not that I am advocating for any sort of eye-for-an-eye play, but if he can so blatantly disregard me in those ways, I need to step back from my emotions that are all entangled with him right now and I need to make a solid decision for myself, whether or not he is meant to be in the picture.
One great thing about today is that I have therapy in an hour. God, I love therapy. I have a woman, that has life experiences and training, that helps guide me, and she only wants to talk to me about me. How wonderful is that to have? She tells me I do not need therapy, but I still relish that hour I get to spend with her each week, sorting through all of this mish mosh.
Opinions, thoughts, encouragement, support....anything you can offer me today, ladies, I really sure do need it. Gosh do I owe you gals for your friendship.
xoxoxo
4 comments:
I think you already answered the questions that you are posing -- "I need to step back from my emotions that are all entangled with him right now and I need to make a solid decision for myself"
I'm a firm believer that if two people are meant to be, they will. Maybe not right now... maybe in the future. Maybe being away from him will let you un-numb yourself so to speak and gain clarity, maybe it will help him realize what he has been doing to you? Idk. No one knows... but I think YOU need to be #1 on your priority list right now and go after what you want!! You're a brave girl, ask your boss for the switch!
Oh my love...so much to say...time for another video or long email...know that I am thinking about you love...xoxo
I agree with Chelsea! You have already put yourself #1 by saying that no, he could not be friends with X. And that's exactly how it should be. Whether or not you end up together in the future, I think you at least need to take a break. You need to focus on YOU. So much of your time as been spent on "US" that there's been hardly any time for Lacey.
This boils down to a respect and trust issue. He isn't respecting you fully. If this problem isn't handled now, and he doesn't start respecting you, I GUARANTEE it will come up again in the future-whether it be this again or something else. He can show you all the remorse he wants, and can say all of the things he thinks are right. But until his actions show that he is starting to respect you as you should be, you need to spend some time apart.
He just started respecting himself again by taking his medication consistently. He's still working on him. A person cannot be settled in a relationship until they are settled with themselves.
P.S. If that's the meanest thing you can say about X, girl, we need to spend more time together!
I love you, and so does everyone else on here. Don't ever think that you owe us for supporting you. We don't have to, we GET to :)
Oh Lacey Im so sorry Im only now catching up on it all!! AH!! you poor thing. it really is hard to know when to stick to things being over and when to give it yet another go. I think you are right to sticking to your guns about X. Whit & I had a similar problem over my best friend (well ex), Whit thought this girl was too much & hasd feelings for me (I did not)... however in the end I had to put Whitney first and finish that friendship as it wasnt worth ruining our relationship. So Mike should have done that a long time ago.
& I agree- put yourself first girl! If moving back to L.A would make you more hap[pier & its possible job wise DO IT! How;d the meeting go?? & Whit & I want to visit L.A so maybe another reason for us to go ;)
M xxxx
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