How Mike proved himself to be a royal jerkface in the end.

If you've been following LITC or my twitter/facebook, you are aware that some pretty quick decisions were made in the past week, and I have fast forwarded my move to Los Angeles.  Instead of packing up everything I own, shipping my car, and putting in that change of address in mid-January, I am already here.  I'm camped out at my momma's for the holidays, and then I literally will be "home" in LA for about three days in January because of my crazy work travel schedule, so I am not going to be solidifying my new apartment situation until February 1. 

So just to keep track of my whereabouts, I will be in New York from Dec 27 - Jan 13, Los Angeles from Jan 14 - 16, and Dallas from Jan 17 - 31.  Phew.  Hotel living and bed hopping will be my expertises for the next few weeks.

I still have my apartment in Connecticut with Mike, and I am still paying rent on it, but I refuse to return to it.  I packed up everything I own into my Nissan Rogue last weekend, and I hopped on a flight Monday evening, never to return to that home.  I hired a trucking company to pick up Yogi the Roguey and put him on a car carrier and drive him out to California for me.  He should be here by this coming Friday - woohoo! 

So what happened to catapult the pending move into an immediate must-do-now situation...  Mike + I had talked a lot about our break up and had made it clear that we were breaking up because he was unable to maintain responsibility over his anxiety, which was just the icing on the cake on top of all of the other hurtful situations that happened, that I have shared with you here.

All was fine until last Thursday (a little over a week ago).  He was going to meet a couple of clients for drinks at a bar right down the street (so he walked), and we were planning on having dinner at home once he was back.  He had even said before he left that he'd walk his dog before bed and had asked me to DVR Law + Order so we could watch it together after dinner.  Well, one of the clients that he was going out with, Karen, is someone that I had met multiple times over the last year and a half.  She lives about two blocks away from us, and everytime I met her, I thought she was super brash, and that she was only being nice to me because she was super into Mike.  This gal, by the way, is 33, and Mike is 26.  Not that age really has anything to do with it, I just personally prefer to always date older than myself. 

So around 9 pm, Mike called me with Karen on speakerphone asking me to google a karaoke place for them to go to.  I didn't say anything, but was a bit put off that he was calling me asking me this, while I was waiting for him at home before I had dinner.  She was on the phone with him, and she called out, "Lacey!  Come out!  We wouldn't have invited Mike for drinks at all had we known you wouldn't be here - we want to see you!"  I rolled my eyes and almost snorted on my side of the phone, because like I said, it is embarrassingly obvious that she has a thing for Mike and that she has always just tried to be nice to me as a way to be buddy-buddy with him.

By 1130, I was pissed.  I had taken his dog out for him, I went ahead and ate dinner, crawled into bed, and watched the Law + Order.  I was so mad that by that time, I had put a pillow on the couch for him, to make sure that he knew I was mad, and to get the point across when he walked in the door that he was not permitted to sleep in the bed that night.  (We had still been sharing the bed after the breakup, but with the dog and pillows between us, of course.) 

I was awake all night.  2 AM came, which meant it was last call.  I knew that if he didn't come home within the next half hour that he wouldn't be coming home and that he had gone home with Karen.  Sure enough, I watched the clock turn from 3 AM to 5 AM and on.  When the sun started coming up, my nerves climbed even higher because I knew he'd be home soon, since he had to leave the apartment by about 730 to get to work on time.  When 8 AM rolled around and I hadn't seen him, I actually started to become concerned.  What if he had had an anxiety attack and wound up in the hospital?  He was out drinking, and I know he doesn't do well when he gets drunk.  What if he was hit by a car walking home?  I started to worry.  By 830 AM, I had called him about twenty times.  When he didn't answer or read any of his BBMs, I called the Emergency Room.  And the Police Station.  Neither of which had seen Mike.  I then thought, if anything happened, he would have either called me, his dad, or his best friend Tara (who happens to be his boss).  So I reached out to both his father and Tara, neither of which had heard from him.  So I sucked it up and I texted Karen, whose number I had from one of our weird run-ins over the past year and a half.  I said to her that I didn't care at this point if he was with her, but that his family and I were all worried and were scared he may be hurt.  She didn't answer.  So fifteen minutes later, I called her phone.  She didn't answer, but lo and behold, the ringing of her phone is what woke him up. 

He had done what to me was the unthinkable.  While still sharing a roof and promising each other that we would be completely respectful toward one another, and while he knew full well that I was waiting at home for him to get back for dinner and to take care of his responsibilities, he went home and slept with some girl that we have both made fun of for being gross and super manly before.  He knows me well enough that he knew I wouldn't sleep all night if he didn't come home, and he knew that I am smart enough to know that he was two blocks away having sex with another girl.  Ten days after we had broken up and he swore that he would love me forever.  Listen, I know we were broken up, I get that.  At the end of the day, I don't care if he is seeing other people - honestly I don't, because he has worn away and chipped down my feelings so harshly over the past few months, that I actually breathed a sigh of relief once I finally broke it off with him.  But to do it in a way that it was like shoving it in my face, and in a way that caused me worry and upset is cruel.

He was livid at me that I had called his dad and his boss.  I didn't care.  When they called me back shortly after I discovered where he was for sure, I did not lie to them.  I told his father that he had gone home with another woman.  His father's breath was taken away from him.  He couldn't fathom why Mike would do something so mean and hurtful and thoughtless to me, especially when I had taken such amazing care of him over the past year and a half (his dad's words, not mine).  Tara asked if I had found him at Karen's house, and I didn't lie to her either.  I told her yes.  She was appalled for me.  She even had me over for dinner on Saturday night to be able to say farewell to her and her kids (who I have built a fun relationship with).  When I was over for dinner, she disclosed to me that Mike has been doing a completely sub-par job at work for months now.  She even revealed to me that at one of their major functions last month, that Mike got drunk and was falling and slurring in front of donors (he works for a non-profit).  She even disclosed that he left the function without her knowledge and drove home drunk.  I couldn't believe his idiocy and that he was able to hide the truth of all of that from me.  (I was in Virginia for a girl's weekend that weekend.)

That morning when he got home, I made him get out of our home and I told him he was not allowed to return until after I was gone.  That was Friday.  I spent the weekend packing and getting my things in order, and I hopped on a flight Monday night to LA, and here I am.

Pretty unreal, right?

I've got more to share with you later, including that I went on a date this week here in LA!  And it was actually a really GOOD date!  I'll share that soon....

As always, thank you for all of your support, ladies.  xoxo

Juggling two "lives" right now.

I feel like I have two lives these days - 

Public Life: where no ones know Mike + I have broken up + as far as most of my friends know, I am planning to live in Connecticut until who-knows-when.

Private Life: where I am once again single (+ confident in being so) and will be moving to LA in oh, about six weeks time.

WOWZA.  Lots for a girl to handle.  I'm doing okay with it though, honestly.

To catch you up on the work front, I was officially offered the position I had proposed to my boss a couple of months ago, which I gleefully accepted.  Same pay (which going from NY to LA is in effect like a raise because of the lower cost of living, yippee), the responsibilities I had requested and more (which have me managing the Dallas, Texas region on up to Montana - you read that right, Nicole!!!), and I get to mainly work from home...my home in Los Angeles!  Yahoo...couldn't have worked out better on that front, if you ask me.

The move is happening in January.  They are still trying to fill my position here in New York, hence cannot give me an exact date, but the position I am filling in Texas will be open and ready for me to step into as of the last week of December.  So we're playing a little balancing game at the moment, but it will be sorted out soon.

Meanwhile, my job change affects two of my other lovely coworkers (taking a few of their state responsibilities from them), so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that when they get the news today from my boss, that they will not be resentful of me...  I feel badly for that one.

Mike + I put in our apartment release request yesterday, so we officially will no longer pay rent in Stamford come January 27.  I should be on the West Coast by then, anyway, but that is the date I will be financially not responsible for the rent here.

So gosh, I don't know when it will officially become public that I'm turning in my Metro Card and heading back to sunny Southern California.  I am trying to put off for as long as I can making it official about me and Mike, simply because I hate sharing those sorts of details with work (we're all Facebook friends), and I certainly hate having Facebook people that you aren't really close with anyway, making all sorts of "omg what happened???? i thought u were so in luv!!" comments.  You know the ones.

So once again, I am grateful to have this private little forum to share the ups and downs and private things with. :)

xoxo

The Monday after.

Have you ever loved someone that you knew you had to let go? 

Damn, it's hard.  I don't wish it upon anyone.  Knowing that you have full control of making the choice of either:
a) causing them to sob their heart out with grief over losing you, or 

b) you having to put your own happiness and sanity at the forefront and choosing to not live in a situation that you know is unhealthy for you and only will grow increasingly unhealthy as time goes on.

That may have been a run-on sentence/thought, but I know you get my drift.

The break-up conversation was not gnarly in the way that I had somehow anticipated in my head that it would be.  It was completely the opposite.  Mike was full of remorse, support, regret, love, and more remorse.  And tears.  Gosh we both cried buckets full. 

I have to pause here to make sure to paint Mike appropriately, as half of you have not met the man: He is a good man.  A very good man.  He has mental health issues that he does not address responsibly, and he has made unwise decisions - haven't we all? - but he is a good man.  

And I do love him.  But as Samantha in Sex and the City infamously said, "But I love me more."  And we all should love ourselves and value ourselves to the point that we put ourselves first in serious situations such as this. I've learned so many valuable lessons from this relationship, ladies.  And when you lose a love, I think that as long as you take away lessons learned, it was 1000% worth every step that you took together. 

Wow, I'm corny today.  Break-ups tend to make me feel insightful apparently...

Happy Monday, ladies.  xoxo

Exiting the rollercoaster.

It's been a while since an update.  To get you informed quickly, all I can say is that everything has been going well...lots of efforts, Mike is seeing a therapist, yadda yadda.  I've been chugging ahead with my plans to move back to LA in January (still hush hush in some parts of my real life), and because of this, Mike has been planning to move as well.

We visited his parents last weekend for a day before we flew West to see my family for the holiday.  The day with his parents was painful and so uncomfortable - they are upset about the move. 

We've spent the last six days in Los Angeles and Las Vegas gallivanting around town with my family and friends and letting Mike get the vibe for the city.  He's had some inklings of freaking out every so often and I've tried to somewhat ignore them, but I've had this terrible nagging in my head ever since we got to LA.  This situation isn't right.  Him being here with me, planning to move out here with me isn't right.  Thinking it and feeling it is one thing - I was trying to figure out how to handle these feelings, considering he has been interviewing for jobs out here and he has his mentality programmed to the idea that he is moving here in six weeks time.

Then yesterday happened.  He was quiet half the day - very un-Mike like.  Then he freaked out in the afternoon.  I told him he needs to figure out what his decision is on the move and to stick with it, because the wavering is making me crazy.  (And annoyed. Very annoyed.)

Then last night, I went to bed early around 930 pm and took a Valium to help with the pain that my broken elbow is still feeling (if you missed that I broke my arm, read up on LITC for the details).  Mike stayed up with my sister and brother-in-law.  At 1230 am, the bedroom door opens, he turns the overhead lights on to wake me up (from my drug-induced sleep, mind you), and starts in with a raised voice on how my family is pressuring him on which neighborhood to live in (absolutely not the case) and how he cannot please everyone, yadda yadda yadda....It went on for two and a half hours.  I kept telling him to quiet down, calm down, simmer down, shut up because I was certain everyone in the house could hear him because he was being SO LOUD....everything I could.  And I do not tell people to shut up.  I think that's a rude thing to say, but jeezus did the man need to shut the fuck up.  He went into full blown anxiety attack.  I told him I would not speak to him until the morning when I was properly awake and he was not in the midst of an attack - not to mention that he was drunk.  (Which I have also had numerous talks with him about moderation in his alcohol intake - to no avail.) 

That was it.  As he was on his tirade, I found myself thanking God for sending me a situation that warrants me standing my ground and saying that this is not what I want for my life.  It's been something that I've seen and been too chicken-shit to take action on.  I'm embarrassed of myself, because I've always called myself a strong and independent woman, but I feel like I was weak and foolish in this situation.  This whole entire situation, starting from dealing with X, the texting of the random girl, all the obvious mental health issues.

But I have learned.  If nothing else, I know more now than ever what I want in a partner.  I also know that I need a serious detox from being in a relationship, once he and I go our separate ways after my move.  (We still live together in CT.)

This is going to be a super tense couple of months still having to live together until my move.  And the conversation that I still have to have with him once we are alone is going to be a gnarly one, I can feel it.  But I will be strong this time. 

As always, thanks for listening, gals.  xoxo

Questions.

I just wrote the following in an email to my dear friend, Alix, and I decided to share this here as well. 
Things here are...good.  Is that possible?  I feel like people will think I'm an idiot if I take Mike back.  Maybe I feel like I'll be the one thinking I'm an idiot.  I don't know.  He's making a million efforts, and really trying hard.  We'd been talking before all of this exploded about him coming to LA with me.  That was when there was no definite date on it.  When everything hit the fan, I set the timeline for MYSELF in place: try to head back at the New Year.  Now if things work out with us, I've also put this timeline on him, without his input.  I don't feel guilty for it too much, because I had to do what I had to do, for me.  But I do know that it's a huge stresser on him.  He wants to be with me, he doesn't want us to be apart.  And that means then that he has to be prepared to leave everything he's ever known his whole life (he's only lived in New England ever), to depart on a cross-country question mark, hoping that it will all work out.  Maybe that's indirectly his karma punishment for the mistakes he's made.  Do you think I'm a fool? 

Job + Mike updates.

Oh my word, if all of us blog friends could all just live in the same city, could you imagine how darn fun and supportive and nurturing that community would be?! Oh I can't even believe the helpful, loving, and considerate comments that you guys have given me on here and elsewhere (twitter, calls, texts, etc).  My cousin, Nicole's sweet husband, Patrick, even called me tonight to tell me that my Montana family is rooting for me.  Gosh do I love them.

Therapy was amazing and helpful as always.  It was great to sit and talking to my therapist, who is such a lovely woman. 

Mike came home before noon today.  He couldn't sit in his office, he said, when he needed to show me now how much I mean to him.  I had a lot of work to do still (I work from home), so it was a combination of us talking between my calls, etc.  I've never seen a man cry and plead like that before.  It definitely made me sad, but I stuck to my guns and maintained that words cannot fix this.  If this is anything to be fixed, only actions will do the job. 

So the next time I looked up, Mike was on the phone finding a therapist in our town that takes his insurance.  Then he had blocked and deleted X's little sister from his facebook.  (X is already blocked + deleted.)  Then he blocked X's phone number, her sister's phone number, and their home phone number from calling or texting his cell phone.  Then he constantly was filling my coffee cup and my water cup and making me a smoothie (do I like beverages enough?) and doing anything he could to show that he was making an effort.  It's very nice, but I obviously need much, much more than just this. 

Also, I spoke with my manager today about the move.  She was so supportive and nurturing and understanding.  Then we hung up and our President called me immediately once she shared the news with him.  He was shocked and bummed that I wanted to leave my New York position, but super understanding and sang my praises, saying how much he doesn't want to lose a valuable player like me in his corporation.  That was good to hear.  My manager and him are supposed to speak tomorrow and brainstorm where I could fit in to the company from an LA-based position, and then I am meant to speak to them again on Thursday or Friday to catch up.  They are moving fast...I really appreciate that they are taking me so seriously.

Just lots of big changes, ladies.  But I can handle them all.  Handling them with grace is my challenge, but I'm up for it.  Here's to wishing me luck...

Breathe in, breathe out.

I can't even share everything that happened last night, because there are some things that sometimes happen in a relationship that no one else would understand ever, besides the two people in the relationship.  Do you know what I mean? 

Oh my God though, so much happened last night. 

I fell asleep with Mike pleading with me to believe his love for me.  Me saying that I love him too, but realizing that I was simultaneously wondering if, after all of this, I still could love him as much.  And is it even worth anything at that point, if you still love someone, but not as much as you once were able to?  Let me tell you what I am a pro at - numbing myself when emotions become overwhelming.  When my dad died?  Didn't feel the entirety of the pain for about six months, because I turned my emotions off and disallowed myself from feeling.  Mike betraying my trust?  Emotions are turned off, and I cannot figure out what I am feeling.  Trust me, if I could help it, I would.  I need to know what I feel and think about all of this.

We are still in a limbo state - I did not retract my choice to break up with him. 

He was running back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen last night to get me Sprite and Alka Seltzer and rub my back when I thought I was going to be sick from all the nausea.  I fell asleep sick to my stomach with it all. 

Before I move on to this morning, I must say my one mean, hateful, spiteful thing.  Although I know that Mike is to blame for all of his actions, I hope that X gets kicked in the stomach with a boot full of karma one day soon.  I absolutely, positively think she is a wretched woman and I loathe her.  (Phew, glad I got that anger out of my system.)

This morning I woke up nauseated.  Partly because of this turmoil, but partly because I have a conference call with my boss today to review my work from September (I am kicking ass, by the way.  Who grows their business 165% in a month? - This girl!  Yahoo!  Okay, back to my somber state...), and today is the day I am planning to open the discussion of me transferring back to Los Angeles, and asking her if I can forfeit my East Coast Account position to then manage the Midwest Accounts...but from the West Coast.  Lots of "if"s on that one.

So, reasons for nausea:

1) I am searching my soul to make sure that this really is the choice that I want to make.  I miss my family dearly as-is. I really have come to the harsh realization that my friends here are extremely few (okay, to be honest, I have one real friend here in New York who is just my friend and not a friend by way of my relationship with Mike).  And everything that has happened with Mike has been a catalyst to my needing to be back in a secure environment, where I have people that love me closer than a 3,000 mile flight away, ie with my family.

2) I am so unsure of what will end up happening with Mike.  If I move though, we are talking 3,000 miles.  I might as well be in Paris with the distance that I would be moving from him. 

3) At the end of the day, I have to know that Mike has made selfish decisions as of late.  He has made choices without considering me.  And not that I am advocating for any sort of eye-for-an-eye play, but if he can so blatantly disregard me in those ways, I need to step back from my emotions that are all entangled with him right now and I need to make a solid decision for myself, whether or not he is meant to be in the picture. 


One great thing about today is that I have therapy in an hour.  God, I love therapy.  I have a woman, that has life experiences and training, that helps guide me, and she only wants to talk to me about me.  How wonderful is that to have?  She tells me I do not need therapy, but I still relish that hour I get to spend with her each week, sorting through all of this mish mosh.

Opinions, thoughts, encouragement, support....anything you can offer me today, ladies, I really sure do need it.  Gosh do I owe you gals for your friendship.

xoxoxo