The Brit.

It has been a while, hasn't it?

For the first time since I left Mike and our life back on the East Coast (almost a year ago now!), I met someone that made me stop and kind of act like a school girl with a bit of a crush.

I hesitate to talk about it too much, and I haven't really told anyone but my two sisters, because who knows - it may turn into absolutely nothing.  But regardless of the result, the fact of the matter is that I felt something again.  (That sounds sooo corny once I type it, but I don't know a lesser way to say it.)

Wow.

I had been conscious of the fact that my heart and my emotions were closed off, and I had been conscious of the fact that I have built a taller wall around myself than ever before.  But until I actually interacted with this man this past week and allowed myself to first- be interested, and then- to accept that the interest was mutual, I had not realized exactly how far I had stepped out of the Emotions Ring.

So like I said, regardless of the outcome, I am grateful to say I have a little crush right now.

And in true girl fashion, now that I've walked all around the edge of the story, I'll actually share how it unfolded.

Back at the end of September, I went to one of my best girlfriend's weddings.  I had a really good time with my other nearest girlfriends and their husbands, and I seriously hardly raised my head to look around at who else was in attendance.  I know, I know, weddings are meant to be great places to meet people, but I was really just in my own world that day.

With the exception of the part of the reception where speeches were being given.  While standing and listening to the speeches, I found myself standing next to a guy that I didn't even glance at (again, in my own world), until I heard him speak.  Hellooo, British accent.  You know we're all weak in the knees for those.

So I turn to the guy, who I guess we can call The Brit.  I turn to The Brit - who is not my physical type generally at all, by the way - and chat him up for a moment.  He chats back, and then to be honest, I don't recall what happened after that.  We went our separate ways, no big deal.  But he did have a charisma about him that I remembered and thought was cool.

Flash forward to last week when I traveled to San Francisco with my girlfriend, Emily, who was the bride at the aforementioned wedding.  She and I were in the city for the week seeing clients, and so we went to dinner together on Halloween night.  As we were in the cab going to the restaurant, she mentioned that The Brit would be joining us.  I had a little tinge of excitement but then internally rolled my eyes at myself - I don't really even know this guy.

Well, The Brit joined us for dinner, and then took us out to a bar in the Marina District for some after-meal cocktails.

Over cocktails, we started in on a conversation about something totally unrelated from anyone at the table, and the flow of topic caused me to say, "No, I think that's bullshit.  I don't care if it's 2012, women should not have to be the aggressors.  Men should still have to make the first move."  To which The Brit replied quickly (in his nice British accent of course), "Ahright then, I think you're really hot."

I was so flustered, I forced myself to choke down my sip of wine, and I'm sure my face turned as red as my Zinfandel.

Anyways, long story short, Emily wanted to go home, so we dropped her off at the hotel, and The Brit and I continued out.  We chatted and kissed until 3 in the morning (wayyy past my bedtime!), and we've been sporadically texting/facebook/instagram flirting which feels both juvenile and kind of fun.

He lives in San Francisco, so I don't know that this will go anywhere at all, but I am actually interested to the point that I keep debating when is "right" to text him back and whatnot.

So lame, but I gotta say that it feels nice to be semi-back into the game.  

Even if I do mildly feel like I'm acting like a 14 year old.

On love + dating.

Look at me going another month without a post. 

My cousin made a quick stop in LA last night on her way from Miami to Hong Kong (it's a hard life), + within three minutes of me picking her up, she asked why I hadn't updated Lacey in the Making in a while.  And let me tell ya girls, I have a lot of LITM-worthy writing to do.  So here goes:

The hardest thing in life for me is to believe in life-long love.  It's not an exaggeration.  I've felt this way since I was a teenager and first began really pondering the concept of love.  I mean, I came from a broken home (I don't have one memory in my life of my parents kissing or embracing), + although I believed I was in love at the times of my past three serious relationships, the last of those two both ended with me in an emotional tailspin because the ex-manfriends were, in the end, complete a-holes.  (If you need proof of this, please read through the posts that began this little secret blog, which detailed the ending of my relationship with NY boyfriend.)

So with that said, + with you all having a grasp on my level of bitterness after The Great Breakup of 2011, I joined an online dating site once I got back here to LA.  I'm aware that it's still considered la lame in some areas to do such a thing, but I did it.  I was trying to convince myself that there was a man out there who was good and funny and strong and all the other fantastic qualities that I have added over the years onto my "He Must Have" list.

So a quick synopsis of the four dates I've ended up going on over the past two months:

Date #1:  I met him at a cute outdoor wine bar in Los Feliz area of LA.  Cool area, cool vibe.  This guy + I had the same birthday (but seven years different), + he seemed confident and cool from our messaging back and forth.  Forty-five minutes into the date, he looked at his phone and said, "Yah, I have to get up at 5 tomorrow for a call with the East Coast."  I hadn't even finished my first glass of wine yet.  So cool as a cucumber, I responded: "Sure, well whenever you need to leave, just let me know."  "Okay," he said, as he began to put his jacket back on.  Me: "Oh.  So that means now?"  And that was that.  He texted me the next day that he was sorry, but that he had been seeing someone else and he wanted to see where it goes.  I didn't believe that story obviously, and would've preferred if he wasn't into me, he just had said that.

Date #2:  Basically the exact same thing as Date #1, but the text message the next morning was more straightforward: that he didn't feel a chemistry, but that he thought I was a really fun and super sweet girl and he'd be interested in friendship.

Date #3:  Tall, dark, + handsome.  Seemed successful.  Seven years older than me.  All was good.  Then between first date and the second date we had planned, he went out of town for the weekend.  And texted me that weekend asking me for a picture for his viewing pleasure.  The whole conversation was suggestive, and I knew what he meant.  I told him that he was barking up the wrong tree and that because his question was weird and made me uncomfortable, I was canceling our second date.

Date #4:  This one takes the absolute cake.  There are way too many ridiculous details on this one, so I'll give you the highlights.

-He brought me flowers.  Very nice.  What was not nice is that before the end of the date, he instructed me to save two of the flowers and hang them upside down so that we would always have a token from the first flowers he ever gave me.

-He kept on about, "You know what I love about how we communicate?" 

-He asked, "So do you intend to take your future husband's name? *cough cough* Strong German names are great...just saying."  (Obviously his surname was German.)

-"I mean, if you don't love babies, we should just stop talking right now." (Ahhhhh)

-"So all these road trips that you take, are you allowed to bring along significant others? So I could call you and say, 'Hey babe, I have a week off, let me come meet you somewhere!'"

-"So you're going out of town next week.  What is your daily schedule?  Because you'll be in another state, I will obviously want to talk to you on the phone."

-"What are you doing for Memorial Day?  My brothers and I always do a camping trip and I want you to come."


So wowza, that's what has been happening lately in the dating realm over here.  And it's all left me wondering where the heck the happy medium is.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, NO, I no longer am participating in the online dating world.  After all those duds, I just need a breather from men in general for a minute.  Yeesh.

Dos, + The Aussie.

ALRIGHTY...I had mentioned in the previous post that Dos was paying attention without being too much.  My how things can change.  As far as I'm concerned, I have completely lost interest in him, but I'm trying to gently let him know, because he is a nice guy.  He's so darn negative though.  Every day is "eh" or "blah" and weekends are "mediocre".  I'm not interested in that sort of negativity.  I've had to carry a man before emotionally, and I am 1000% NOT interested in constantly pushing someone toward happiness.  No ma'am, not this gal.

So I've backed off A TON in communication, which per normal human nature, has made Dos cling.  Also not attractive.  I'm currently waiting for the moment that feels appropriate in which to tell him why I no longer intend to go out on dates with him.  A little bit tricky since he is at my brother-in-law's house semi-regularly.

In other news, ladies...I met and had a romantic cross country crush affair with an Australian on my travels this month.  Mhm.

I met The Australian in Dallas a couple of weeks ago.  I was walking a trade show to decide if I wanted to show my brand there, and I passed a handsome, sort of Gerard Butler looking man at his booth.  He made eye contact, we both smiled.  I kept walking, and at the end decided to go back and ask him a few questions about how he liked the show.  Zero ulterior motive.

And then he spoke.  In his Aussie accent.  Oh mama!  We exchanged business cards, and I thanked him for his advice, and that was that. 

Then I ran into him at the end of the day in the elevator.  We stood for a good 10 minutes and chatted, and he told me he was also headed to New York right after Dallas and that he'd like to take me for drinks.  I'm not one to turn down free beverages from hot foreigners, so we made plans.  And I was so busy that I didn't follow up once.  He did all of the outreach, which was how it should be. 

We went out that following Monday in New York for drinks.  We met at 930 and stayed at the bar til 2, where we parted ways.  Great conversation, laughed the whole time.  The next day, I was exhausted, as was he.  He texted and I replied that my pjs and trash tv were calling my name.  He replied that we should have a pajama party.  The fact that we both were staying in hotels made it seem a little weird, but hey - when in New York, you roll with it.  So I said sure, and invited him to mine.  He came over and we joked and chatted until again around 2 am until he finally started a pillow fight and kissed me.  And we kissed (kissed only!  Unfortunately I am a good girl with a huge guilt complex!) until like 430 in the morning, when we finally fell asleep.  He escorted me to work the next day, dropping me with a smile and a farewell smooch. 

And then he flew home to Melbourne this weekend.  BUT he comes back to The States in a couple of days for the big Fashion Trade Show we have in Vegas.  So we will once again be in the same city.  I've made no efforts to reach out to him, so I am just doing nothing.  I've decided I'm playing the feminine card for a while, across the board.  So if he reaches out this week in Vegas, then fantastic!  If not, well hey - I'd never made out with and had an all-night cuddle sesh with an Australian before.  :)

And then, not to confuse you too much, but I have a date tonight.  I'll fill you in on him post-date.  Seems like Lacey in the Making is getting much more fun though now that I'm single!  At least I think so :)

xoxo

Single life in LA thus far.

It's been over a month since I posted here on LITM... I just reread my last post detailing how the end of Mike and me ended up going down and -ouch- it hurt to relive it.  SO - moving on past that jerkface and his hurtful memory and into sharing with you guys what the past month has been like as a single lady on the West Coast...

Let's see - I went on the date that I mentioned in the last post.  He was a nice guy - tall, successful, a gentleman.  We went on a second date also, but by the second date I determined that as nice as he was, there was no attraction.  And let's be honest, it had not been but a few weeks since Mike + I had officially ended things, so I don't know that I was mentally in the strongest of places to really put my head into being interested in someone.

Then enter the day before New Year's Eve.  My older sister and I went to her husband, Albert's office so that I could get my back adjusted (he's a chiropractor).  As I was leaving, Albert mentioned - "Hey Lace, what are you up to tonight?  You should come over to watch the fight.  I'm having a couple of guys over, and there's actually one that I think you should meet.  His name's Albert also...he's a cool kid."  My brother-in-law just turned 40 this month, so he thinks everyone is a "kid" anymore. 

I considered the idea and finally decided, what the heck.  I was still in my yoga clothes from earlier in the day (there wasn't time to go change), but I headed over to my sister's place in time for the fight. 

To continue the story without confusion, we'll call the second Albert "Dos".  (Both Alberts are Mexican, so that's why my sister dubbed him with a nickname in Spanish...)

So a little bit after I arrived, Dos got to the house.  It turns out that he's been friends with Laura + Albert for a few years now, since I moved to NY practically, but I'd never met him at any of their get-togethers or anything until then.  My brother-in-law was right though, and Dos and I totally hit it off.  Turns out he's not the "kid" Albert described him as - he's 30, in banking, going to school full-time while working full-time, was a Marine and worked as a paralegal for JAG when he was in the service (he's been out for about 8 years), and he's certified to be an EMT...kind of well-rounded, especially when you compare him to Mike!  I was impressed.

So that was the night before New Year's Eve.  We then ended up all hanging out at a wine bar in the Silverlake neighborhood to ring in NYE (no NYE kiss, in case you wondered), and then he took me to lunch on New Year's Day (which then ended with a goodbye smooch, in case you wondered:)).  After lunch, we drove around and chatted until it was time for me to get home to get ready for my other sister's birthday dinner.

Then of course, I left LA to head to NY for 2 weeks for work, but he texted every day, and we spoke on the phone a couple of the nights.  Nice + slow....how I like it.  But he's paying quite the adequate amount of attention without being too much.  

This past week when I was back in LA, he took me out three different times...  All a good time, all ending with us talking on the couch until 3 in the morning.  

I am quite interested in him, but I am so cautious right now.  The repercussions of dealing with Mike have my guard up and have me keeping Dos at a distance at the moment.  I don't think it's a bad thing at all.  Who knows if it will turn out to be something special or not, but if it's meant to be that, then it will.  And I can take my dear, sweet time getting there.  

So that's that...a nice little update on the dating situation.  I hope to keep updating LITM more regularly than I have in the past month.  With the holidays having passed and then jumping right into the most heinous part of the work year (the first few weeks of January), everything got quite crazy for me, and blogging on both LITM + LITC totally fell to the wayside.  Here's to keeping up with it all a little better as the weeks go on :)

xoxo

How Mike proved himself to be a royal jerkface in the end.

If you've been following LITC or my twitter/facebook, you are aware that some pretty quick decisions were made in the past week, and I have fast forwarded my move to Los Angeles.  Instead of packing up everything I own, shipping my car, and putting in that change of address in mid-January, I am already here.  I'm camped out at my momma's for the holidays, and then I literally will be "home" in LA for about three days in January because of my crazy work travel schedule, so I am not going to be solidifying my new apartment situation until February 1. 

So just to keep track of my whereabouts, I will be in New York from Dec 27 - Jan 13, Los Angeles from Jan 14 - 16, and Dallas from Jan 17 - 31.  Phew.  Hotel living and bed hopping will be my expertises for the next few weeks.

I still have my apartment in Connecticut with Mike, and I am still paying rent on it, but I refuse to return to it.  I packed up everything I own into my Nissan Rogue last weekend, and I hopped on a flight Monday evening, never to return to that home.  I hired a trucking company to pick up Yogi the Roguey and put him on a car carrier and drive him out to California for me.  He should be here by this coming Friday - woohoo! 

So what happened to catapult the pending move into an immediate must-do-now situation...  Mike + I had talked a lot about our break up and had made it clear that we were breaking up because he was unable to maintain responsibility over his anxiety, which was just the icing on the cake on top of all of the other hurtful situations that happened, that I have shared with you here.

All was fine until last Thursday (a little over a week ago).  He was going to meet a couple of clients for drinks at a bar right down the street (so he walked), and we were planning on having dinner at home once he was back.  He had even said before he left that he'd walk his dog before bed and had asked me to DVR Law + Order so we could watch it together after dinner.  Well, one of the clients that he was going out with, Karen, is someone that I had met multiple times over the last year and a half.  She lives about two blocks away from us, and everytime I met her, I thought she was super brash, and that she was only being nice to me because she was super into Mike.  This gal, by the way, is 33, and Mike is 26.  Not that age really has anything to do with it, I just personally prefer to always date older than myself. 

So around 9 pm, Mike called me with Karen on speakerphone asking me to google a karaoke place for them to go to.  I didn't say anything, but was a bit put off that he was calling me asking me this, while I was waiting for him at home before I had dinner.  She was on the phone with him, and she called out, "Lacey!  Come out!  We wouldn't have invited Mike for drinks at all had we known you wouldn't be here - we want to see you!"  I rolled my eyes and almost snorted on my side of the phone, because like I said, it is embarrassingly obvious that she has a thing for Mike and that she has always just tried to be nice to me as a way to be buddy-buddy with him.

By 1130, I was pissed.  I had taken his dog out for him, I went ahead and ate dinner, crawled into bed, and watched the Law + Order.  I was so mad that by that time, I had put a pillow on the couch for him, to make sure that he knew I was mad, and to get the point across when he walked in the door that he was not permitted to sleep in the bed that night.  (We had still been sharing the bed after the breakup, but with the dog and pillows between us, of course.) 

I was awake all night.  2 AM came, which meant it was last call.  I knew that if he didn't come home within the next half hour that he wouldn't be coming home and that he had gone home with Karen.  Sure enough, I watched the clock turn from 3 AM to 5 AM and on.  When the sun started coming up, my nerves climbed even higher because I knew he'd be home soon, since he had to leave the apartment by about 730 to get to work on time.  When 8 AM rolled around and I hadn't seen him, I actually started to become concerned.  What if he had had an anxiety attack and wound up in the hospital?  He was out drinking, and I know he doesn't do well when he gets drunk.  What if he was hit by a car walking home?  I started to worry.  By 830 AM, I had called him about twenty times.  When he didn't answer or read any of his BBMs, I called the Emergency Room.  And the Police Station.  Neither of which had seen Mike.  I then thought, if anything happened, he would have either called me, his dad, or his best friend Tara (who happens to be his boss).  So I reached out to both his father and Tara, neither of which had heard from him.  So I sucked it up and I texted Karen, whose number I had from one of our weird run-ins over the past year and a half.  I said to her that I didn't care at this point if he was with her, but that his family and I were all worried and were scared he may be hurt.  She didn't answer.  So fifteen minutes later, I called her phone.  She didn't answer, but lo and behold, the ringing of her phone is what woke him up. 

He had done what to me was the unthinkable.  While still sharing a roof and promising each other that we would be completely respectful toward one another, and while he knew full well that I was waiting at home for him to get back for dinner and to take care of his responsibilities, he went home and slept with some girl that we have both made fun of for being gross and super manly before.  He knows me well enough that he knew I wouldn't sleep all night if he didn't come home, and he knew that I am smart enough to know that he was two blocks away having sex with another girl.  Ten days after we had broken up and he swore that he would love me forever.  Listen, I know we were broken up, I get that.  At the end of the day, I don't care if he is seeing other people - honestly I don't, because he has worn away and chipped down my feelings so harshly over the past few months, that I actually breathed a sigh of relief once I finally broke it off with him.  But to do it in a way that it was like shoving it in my face, and in a way that caused me worry and upset is cruel.

He was livid at me that I had called his dad and his boss.  I didn't care.  When they called me back shortly after I discovered where he was for sure, I did not lie to them.  I told his father that he had gone home with another woman.  His father's breath was taken away from him.  He couldn't fathom why Mike would do something so mean and hurtful and thoughtless to me, especially when I had taken such amazing care of him over the past year and a half (his dad's words, not mine).  Tara asked if I had found him at Karen's house, and I didn't lie to her either.  I told her yes.  She was appalled for me.  She even had me over for dinner on Saturday night to be able to say farewell to her and her kids (who I have built a fun relationship with).  When I was over for dinner, she disclosed to me that Mike has been doing a completely sub-par job at work for months now.  She even revealed to me that at one of their major functions last month, that Mike got drunk and was falling and slurring in front of donors (he works for a non-profit).  She even disclosed that he left the function without her knowledge and drove home drunk.  I couldn't believe his idiocy and that he was able to hide the truth of all of that from me.  (I was in Virginia for a girl's weekend that weekend.)

That morning when he got home, I made him get out of our home and I told him he was not allowed to return until after I was gone.  That was Friday.  I spent the weekend packing and getting my things in order, and I hopped on a flight Monday night to LA, and here I am.

Pretty unreal, right?

I've got more to share with you later, including that I went on a date this week here in LA!  And it was actually a really GOOD date!  I'll share that soon....

As always, thank you for all of your support, ladies.  xoxo

Juggling two "lives" right now.

I feel like I have two lives these days - 

Public Life: where no ones know Mike + I have broken up + as far as most of my friends know, I am planning to live in Connecticut until who-knows-when.

Private Life: where I am once again single (+ confident in being so) and will be moving to LA in oh, about six weeks time.

WOWZA.  Lots for a girl to handle.  I'm doing okay with it though, honestly.

To catch you up on the work front, I was officially offered the position I had proposed to my boss a couple of months ago, which I gleefully accepted.  Same pay (which going from NY to LA is in effect like a raise because of the lower cost of living, yippee), the responsibilities I had requested and more (which have me managing the Dallas, Texas region on up to Montana - you read that right, Nicole!!!), and I get to mainly work from home...my home in Los Angeles!  Yahoo...couldn't have worked out better on that front, if you ask me.

The move is happening in January.  They are still trying to fill my position here in New York, hence cannot give me an exact date, but the position I am filling in Texas will be open and ready for me to step into as of the last week of December.  So we're playing a little balancing game at the moment, but it will be sorted out soon.

Meanwhile, my job change affects two of my other lovely coworkers (taking a few of their state responsibilities from them), so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that when they get the news today from my boss, that they will not be resentful of me...  I feel badly for that one.

Mike + I put in our apartment release request yesterday, so we officially will no longer pay rent in Stamford come January 27.  I should be on the West Coast by then, anyway, but that is the date I will be financially not responsible for the rent here.

So gosh, I don't know when it will officially become public that I'm turning in my Metro Card and heading back to sunny Southern California.  I am trying to put off for as long as I can making it official about me and Mike, simply because I hate sharing those sorts of details with work (we're all Facebook friends), and I certainly hate having Facebook people that you aren't really close with anyway, making all sorts of "omg what happened???? i thought u were so in luv!!" comments.  You know the ones.

So once again, I am grateful to have this private little forum to share the ups and downs and private things with. :)

xoxo

The Monday after.

Have you ever loved someone that you knew you had to let go? 

Damn, it's hard.  I don't wish it upon anyone.  Knowing that you have full control of making the choice of either:
a) causing them to sob their heart out with grief over losing you, or 

b) you having to put your own happiness and sanity at the forefront and choosing to not live in a situation that you know is unhealthy for you and only will grow increasingly unhealthy as time goes on.

That may have been a run-on sentence/thought, but I know you get my drift.

The break-up conversation was not gnarly in the way that I had somehow anticipated in my head that it would be.  It was completely the opposite.  Mike was full of remorse, support, regret, love, and more remorse.  And tears.  Gosh we both cried buckets full. 

I have to pause here to make sure to paint Mike appropriately, as half of you have not met the man: He is a good man.  A very good man.  He has mental health issues that he does not address responsibly, and he has made unwise decisions - haven't we all? - but he is a good man.  

And I do love him.  But as Samantha in Sex and the City infamously said, "But I love me more."  And we all should love ourselves and value ourselves to the point that we put ourselves first in serious situations such as this. I've learned so many valuable lessons from this relationship, ladies.  And when you lose a love, I think that as long as you take away lessons learned, it was 1000% worth every step that you took together. 

Wow, I'm corny today.  Break-ups tend to make me feel insightful apparently...

Happy Monday, ladies.  xoxo

Exiting the rollercoaster.

It's been a while since an update.  To get you informed quickly, all I can say is that everything has been going well...lots of efforts, Mike is seeing a therapist, yadda yadda.  I've been chugging ahead with my plans to move back to LA in January (still hush hush in some parts of my real life), and because of this, Mike has been planning to move as well.

We visited his parents last weekend for a day before we flew West to see my family for the holiday.  The day with his parents was painful and so uncomfortable - they are upset about the move. 

We've spent the last six days in Los Angeles and Las Vegas gallivanting around town with my family and friends and letting Mike get the vibe for the city.  He's had some inklings of freaking out every so often and I've tried to somewhat ignore them, but I've had this terrible nagging in my head ever since we got to LA.  This situation isn't right.  Him being here with me, planning to move out here with me isn't right.  Thinking it and feeling it is one thing - I was trying to figure out how to handle these feelings, considering he has been interviewing for jobs out here and he has his mentality programmed to the idea that he is moving here in six weeks time.

Then yesterday happened.  He was quiet half the day - very un-Mike like.  Then he freaked out in the afternoon.  I told him he needs to figure out what his decision is on the move and to stick with it, because the wavering is making me crazy.  (And annoyed. Very annoyed.)

Then last night, I went to bed early around 930 pm and took a Valium to help with the pain that my broken elbow is still feeling (if you missed that I broke my arm, read up on LITC for the details).  Mike stayed up with my sister and brother-in-law.  At 1230 am, the bedroom door opens, he turns the overhead lights on to wake me up (from my drug-induced sleep, mind you), and starts in with a raised voice on how my family is pressuring him on which neighborhood to live in (absolutely not the case) and how he cannot please everyone, yadda yadda yadda....It went on for two and a half hours.  I kept telling him to quiet down, calm down, simmer down, shut up because I was certain everyone in the house could hear him because he was being SO LOUD....everything I could.  And I do not tell people to shut up.  I think that's a rude thing to say, but jeezus did the man need to shut the fuck up.  He went into full blown anxiety attack.  I told him I would not speak to him until the morning when I was properly awake and he was not in the midst of an attack - not to mention that he was drunk.  (Which I have also had numerous talks with him about moderation in his alcohol intake - to no avail.) 

That was it.  As he was on his tirade, I found myself thanking God for sending me a situation that warrants me standing my ground and saying that this is not what I want for my life.  It's been something that I've seen and been too chicken-shit to take action on.  I'm embarrassed of myself, because I've always called myself a strong and independent woman, but I feel like I was weak and foolish in this situation.  This whole entire situation, starting from dealing with X, the texting of the random girl, all the obvious mental health issues.

But I have learned.  If nothing else, I know more now than ever what I want in a partner.  I also know that I need a serious detox from being in a relationship, once he and I go our separate ways after my move.  (We still live together in CT.)

This is going to be a super tense couple of months still having to live together until my move.  And the conversation that I still have to have with him once we are alone is going to be a gnarly one, I can feel it.  But I will be strong this time. 

As always, thanks for listening, gals.  xoxo

Questions.

I just wrote the following in an email to my dear friend, Alix, and I decided to share this here as well. 
Things here are...good.  Is that possible?  I feel like people will think I'm an idiot if I take Mike back.  Maybe I feel like I'll be the one thinking I'm an idiot.  I don't know.  He's making a million efforts, and really trying hard.  We'd been talking before all of this exploded about him coming to LA with me.  That was when there was no definite date on it.  When everything hit the fan, I set the timeline for MYSELF in place: try to head back at the New Year.  Now if things work out with us, I've also put this timeline on him, without his input.  I don't feel guilty for it too much, because I had to do what I had to do, for me.  But I do know that it's a huge stresser on him.  He wants to be with me, he doesn't want us to be apart.  And that means then that he has to be prepared to leave everything he's ever known his whole life (he's only lived in New England ever), to depart on a cross-country question mark, hoping that it will all work out.  Maybe that's indirectly his karma punishment for the mistakes he's made.  Do you think I'm a fool? 

Job + Mike updates.

Oh my word, if all of us blog friends could all just live in the same city, could you imagine how darn fun and supportive and nurturing that community would be?! Oh I can't even believe the helpful, loving, and considerate comments that you guys have given me on here and elsewhere (twitter, calls, texts, etc).  My cousin, Nicole's sweet husband, Patrick, even called me tonight to tell me that my Montana family is rooting for me.  Gosh do I love them.

Therapy was amazing and helpful as always.  It was great to sit and talking to my therapist, who is such a lovely woman. 

Mike came home before noon today.  He couldn't sit in his office, he said, when he needed to show me now how much I mean to him.  I had a lot of work to do still (I work from home), so it was a combination of us talking between my calls, etc.  I've never seen a man cry and plead like that before.  It definitely made me sad, but I stuck to my guns and maintained that words cannot fix this.  If this is anything to be fixed, only actions will do the job. 

So the next time I looked up, Mike was on the phone finding a therapist in our town that takes his insurance.  Then he had blocked and deleted X's little sister from his facebook.  (X is already blocked + deleted.)  Then he blocked X's phone number, her sister's phone number, and their home phone number from calling or texting his cell phone.  Then he constantly was filling my coffee cup and my water cup and making me a smoothie (do I like beverages enough?) and doing anything he could to show that he was making an effort.  It's very nice, but I obviously need much, much more than just this. 

Also, I spoke with my manager today about the move.  She was so supportive and nurturing and understanding.  Then we hung up and our President called me immediately once she shared the news with him.  He was shocked and bummed that I wanted to leave my New York position, but super understanding and sang my praises, saying how much he doesn't want to lose a valuable player like me in his corporation.  That was good to hear.  My manager and him are supposed to speak tomorrow and brainstorm where I could fit in to the company from an LA-based position, and then I am meant to speak to them again on Thursday or Friday to catch up.  They are moving fast...I really appreciate that they are taking me so seriously.

Just lots of big changes, ladies.  But I can handle them all.  Handling them with grace is my challenge, but I'm up for it.  Here's to wishing me luck...

Breathe in, breathe out.

I can't even share everything that happened last night, because there are some things that sometimes happen in a relationship that no one else would understand ever, besides the two people in the relationship.  Do you know what I mean? 

Oh my God though, so much happened last night. 

I fell asleep with Mike pleading with me to believe his love for me.  Me saying that I love him too, but realizing that I was simultaneously wondering if, after all of this, I still could love him as much.  And is it even worth anything at that point, if you still love someone, but not as much as you once were able to?  Let me tell you what I am a pro at - numbing myself when emotions become overwhelming.  When my dad died?  Didn't feel the entirety of the pain for about six months, because I turned my emotions off and disallowed myself from feeling.  Mike betraying my trust?  Emotions are turned off, and I cannot figure out what I am feeling.  Trust me, if I could help it, I would.  I need to know what I feel and think about all of this.

We are still in a limbo state - I did not retract my choice to break up with him. 

He was running back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen last night to get me Sprite and Alka Seltzer and rub my back when I thought I was going to be sick from all the nausea.  I fell asleep sick to my stomach with it all. 

Before I move on to this morning, I must say my one mean, hateful, spiteful thing.  Although I know that Mike is to blame for all of his actions, I hope that X gets kicked in the stomach with a boot full of karma one day soon.  I absolutely, positively think she is a wretched woman and I loathe her.  (Phew, glad I got that anger out of my system.)

This morning I woke up nauseated.  Partly because of this turmoil, but partly because I have a conference call with my boss today to review my work from September (I am kicking ass, by the way.  Who grows their business 165% in a month? - This girl!  Yahoo!  Okay, back to my somber state...), and today is the day I am planning to open the discussion of me transferring back to Los Angeles, and asking her if I can forfeit my East Coast Account position to then manage the Midwest Accounts...but from the West Coast.  Lots of "if"s on that one.

So, reasons for nausea:

1) I am searching my soul to make sure that this really is the choice that I want to make.  I miss my family dearly as-is. I really have come to the harsh realization that my friends here are extremely few (okay, to be honest, I have one real friend here in New York who is just my friend and not a friend by way of my relationship with Mike).  And everything that has happened with Mike has been a catalyst to my needing to be back in a secure environment, where I have people that love me closer than a 3,000 mile flight away, ie with my family.

2) I am so unsure of what will end up happening with Mike.  If I move though, we are talking 3,000 miles.  I might as well be in Paris with the distance that I would be moving from him. 

3) At the end of the day, I have to know that Mike has made selfish decisions as of late.  He has made choices without considering me.  And not that I am advocating for any sort of eye-for-an-eye play, but if he can so blatantly disregard me in those ways, I need to step back from my emotions that are all entangled with him right now and I need to make a solid decision for myself, whether or not he is meant to be in the picture. 


One great thing about today is that I have therapy in an hour.  God, I love therapy.  I have a woman, that has life experiences and training, that helps guide me, and she only wants to talk to me about me.  How wonderful is that to have?  She tells me I do not need therapy, but I still relish that hour I get to spend with her each week, sorting through all of this mish mosh.

Opinions, thoughts, encouragement, support....anything you can offer me today, ladies, I really sure do need it.  Gosh do I owe you gals for your friendship.

xoxoxo

Oh boy.

Oh boy.  Boy oh boy oh boy.

I just don't know.  He has spent the entire day showering me in his remorse.  I "knocked him flat on his ass" last night and he "will do anything it takes to not lose me".  It's so difficult knowing what to do.  When do you stop fighting?  How do you determine what's worth just one more effort?

Three of you that read this blog have actually met Mike.  My cousin, Nicole (from Prairie Princess), even hosted Mike + me for a week when we visited her in Montana this summer.  If you know Mike,  you generally love him.  There's nothing not to love about him.  Even through these trials he is pulling me through, my love for him hasn't lessened a bit.

And that's the hard part.

And I have another big something to divulge to you...I've been contemplating for a few months, and this past week (before all this happened), I decided that after three years here in NY/Connecticut, I would like to move back to LA.  (For my two cousins who read this blog, this is a huge hush-hush from everyone in my "real life" so far.)

So that obviously throws just one more big kink in everything, because now it's either: we are together, and he comes along to LA with me (he loves LA), or we are done with it and I leave and that is the end of it all.

Can you sense through the screen how clouded my mind is?

The morning after.

It's still true.  I broke up with him last night and I have stuck to my decision.

I had a scheduled post today on LITC to go up about Mike's performance next week.  I let it still go up.

I don't wish the man anything but love, even still.  But I cannot stand by and allow him to hurt me time after time.  Even if he has zero intention of hurting me, he still is doing damage.

I hope you are all having an easier Monday morning than I am.

xoxo.

The inevitable.

I am hurting so badly, ladies.

Since my last post things had been better...Mike finally, FINALLY took ownership of him being the main contributor to the discord between us, and he was supposedly working hard to move forward.  He recognized that he has been consistently hurting me, and how he was consistently hurting me.  With his flirtatious texts with some random girl, his occasional continued conversations with X.  Not treating me like I'm the greatest girl in his world.  (We all deserve to be treated that way.)

I'll spare you all the details of the nice days that we've had together since the last post.

He pushed the final button tonight.  He told me he has to be friends with X.

I told him that he knows that that is my bottom line, and I cannot do this anymore.  We are done.

I believe in everything happening for a reason and that everything always turns out for the better.  But I am hurting right now, my friends.

I want to just scream.

As bad things sometimes tend to, the events from last night's post grew worse.  Mike was so apologetic and sweet to me all evening and all morning, being very tender while speaking to me, etc.

Then, mid-morning, I booked a work flight for next Wednesday - an early morning flight from NY to Chicago and a late evening flight home from Chicago to NY.  I had scheduled an appointment with a top account in Chicago so I would be gone just for the day to see her.  I sent Mike the itinerary, and he called me to follow up...

We had been planning a long weekend in Virginia from next Thursday to Sunday, which was in my calendar, so I had made sure to book my appointment for no later in the week than Wednesday.  So Mike called and brought it to my attention that I must have not realized we were planning on leaving Wednesday after work to drive down to Virginia.  I had totally spaced.  I didn't have Virginia written on my calendar for Wednesday, so in booking my flights I assumed all was fine.

I started apologizing, and feeling so guilty that I was messing up our plans, I started going into options of what I could do to fix the situation - reschedule my flight from Chicago to go to DC, where he could pick me up; schedule an earlier return flight to NY and we could drive from there, etc.  I did sound upset, because I felt badly that I'd made a goof on the scheduling and it was interfering with our mini-vacation, but my upset made Mike annoyed.  He kept telling me to calm down, to which I kept saying, "I am, I am just trying to find a solution."  He then quickly and coldly said, "I can't do this right now.  You are driving me insane."  At which point, my already hurt and sensitive feelings caused me to burst into tears.  "What is wrong with you?!  You are going off the deep end!" he yelled at me.  I tried to just explain to him that his cold tone and harsh words just sent my hurt feelings over the edge, but I was blubbering through tears as I said it.  "This is like talking to a child," he said, and then hung up.

I thought of just not calling him back, because he'd hurt my feelings so much.  But I decided, no, that I needed to tell him that he hurt my feelings.  So I called him back and said just that.  "You are dragging yesterday's events into today and this is all snowballing into you being hysterical," he said.  I told him that after yesterday's events, I really needed a little extra TLC from him, and he wasn't showing it a bit during this situation.  He said something back in a condescending tone, I don't even remember what, and I started crying again.  I said, "You disrespected me and our relationship to some girl I don't even know, and I was working to get past my hurt feelings over that.  At the same time, I messed up on something and was trying to fix it, and sure, you kept telling me it wasn't a big deal, but your tone conveyed otherwise.  And then you told me I make you insane and that I'm off the deep end.  If I'm off the deep end, it's an effect of your actions, Mike, and you are being anything but kind to me right now.  If it were me that had sent a message to some guy about what would have happened had we ever had sex, you wouldn't have been nearly so understanding.  You would have left and gone to your friend's house for the night for 'space'." 

I don't quite remember what was said next, just that he raised his voice, and I freaked.  "Stop yelling at me, stop it, stop it, stop it!"  And I hung up and threw the phone.

And he's emailed me a couple of times, telling me that when I calm down to call him, etc.  But I will not be calling him.  He was the one in the wrong on all of these things, and he gives his pride and being right precedence to wanting to make sure he hasn't hurt my feelings.  I'm so tired of it.  

All I want to do now is scream.

Thanks for listening, girls, I really appreciate being able to vent here.

The gray area of flirting with someone else.

I haven't checked in on here in a while...It's been hectic with work, out-of-town visitors, and now me being super sick.  I'm going on a week tomorrow of an upper respiratory infection that totally has me knocked on my ass.

I came across something today though that I had to get off my chest, and I really didn't know who to turn to, besides you girls. 

Last night as I was heading to bed,  Mike was out on the couch watching tv.  He had had a few drinks and was curled up with a comforter and pillow looking quite comfy and I said, "Oh, are you going to sleep out here tonight?"  He said he might, because he was so cozy and because I've been so sick.  No big deal.

As I was filling up my water cup and just putting away a few things in the kitchen though, I kept hearing his phone "bing" and realized that he was texting like crazy...very unlike him, as he really hates typing on his phone and hardly will be seen texting.  Last time that he was texting late and had decided to sleep in the living room after a few drinks was when I found out he had been texting X's little sister.  (Remember that?)  So my interest was right away piqued.  "Wow you're blowing up over there!" I said.  "Yah, it's a friend from college.  I don't want to talk on the phone though so I'm trying to wind up the conversation." 

I know him all too well.  A) He thinks I am nosy whenever I make off-hand comments like that, so he normally wouldn't fill me in on who it was.  That he jumped to informing me who he was texting was strange of him.  B) The second sentence explaining why he was texting so much was even more information that he normally wouldn't share.

So today when he got home and went for a run, I did a "bad" thing and checked his phone.  It was a girl, we'll call her AE, who I'd never heard of before.  They had texted for an hour and a half back and forth.  I scrolled quickly through the messages, still thinking they might just be nothing, when I saw in the middle of all the scrolling the words, "I can't.  I live with her."

Obviously, I started from the beginning then and read through each message.  She was reaching out to say hi, how are you.  He said hey, how are you back.  She said nothing, that she was in bed, and that she was going to go visit...blahblahblah.  His response: "In bed huh? ;)"

My heart started pounding.  

She answered "I could have a really great answer to that one, but I'm sure your gf wouldn't appreciate it."  

Him: "You're horny."  

Her: "Someone else is too apparently!"  

Him: "Who's that?" 

And then that thought was dropped.  A bit more bantering and then,
Him: "Would we still be friends if we had had sex?"
Her: "What?"
Him: "If we had had sex, do you think that we would still be friends?"

And then,

Him: "I'm scared of where I'm at right now.  In my relationship and all."
Her: "Can you call me?  I'm worried about you.  I will always care about you no matter what or how long it's been since we've seen each other.  You're the type of person that I would answer the phone to at 3 am to help pick you up from your lowest point.  I will always be here for you.  Call me, I will talk with you about why you are scared."
Him: "I can't.  I live with her."

And then it trickled off and they went to bed.  She texted him today too, but he didn't answer her.

The thing that's so weird about this is that I can't figure out if he did something wrong or not.  I mean, I think he did, but I'm not entirely sure.  Let's just say if it were me that had said those things to a guy that I had almost dated (I deciphered that from the entire text conversation that they had almost dated a few years ago), I would feel super guilty and like I had done something wrong.  He's normally the king of having a conscience and telling me the truth about everything, so I'm really surprised that he actually hasn't somehow told me about it and downplayed it.  And I can't bring it up to him, because then he'd know I'd looked through his phone.

What do you girls think?
***Update:  I "borrowed" his phone to text my sister tonight, and the phone "accidentally freaked out" (my story at least) and landed on the texts that said "What if we'd had sex?"  I brought it to him, shaking with adrenaline, and asked him about it.  He said, "She's an old friend from college who has always had a crush on me, and we were discussing the ability to be friends with ex's or not, because she is having trouble with her ex-boyfriend right now.  And I brought up, 'Well what if we'd had sex?' meaning, would we still be friends?  I thought about it this morning and realized that it was an inappropriate thing to have said, and I'm really sorry."  I cried a little because my feelings were hurt, and although I do think that he was out of line, I do 'buy' his story and said I forgave him, but that he did hurt my feelings.  As for what he was saying about being scared in the relationship he's in, we had a talk about that sort of separately, and he was honest that he doesn't feel as confident in us as he has in the past, and I told him that I honestly felt the same way and can't hold that against him.  We agreed that we want to be together, and we will see where it goes in the long run,  but for now, we are both present here and now.

The rollercoaster continues.

Where to start?  I've been unable to make myself sit at the keyboard and put into words what exactly is going on...  I've realized it's because I just don't know.

Mike's gone to his doctor, who said that he thinks he is on the right medication at the correct dosage for his anxiety, but that his problem is that he has been so inconsistent with his dosage.  Fine.  My request for him to get emergency (read: fast acting) meds, like the Xanax that the emergency room doctor suggested, was not fulfilled.  He doesn't want emergency meds, he says, so he didn't ask.  Fine.

Sunday night when I had to go to bed with a splitting headache, and he came to bed telling me that we were falling apart and that he didn't think we were going to make it.  I had no energy to ask at that point, with my head pounding, what he meant by all of that, so I waited until the morning to approach the subject.  He said he was emotional and rambling.  I said I thought we were working so hard to get past the "falling apart" stage and I thought that we were moving into the "recovering slowly but surely" stage.  He said he agreed.  This left my mind swimming with trying to understand his thought process through the entire thing...

I spoke to my cousin this week quite a few times.  She has her degree in psychology and has worked in the field for a few years.  She reads this blog so is totally up to date on what's been happening.  I was telling her Tuesday night how I finally had to tell Mike that I don't think he realizes he does it, but that he consistently makes underhanded comments that put me down.  "Could you be messier?" "Cmon...shut a cabinet for once ever." "You were ten minutes late getting here...don't worry, from you I just expect it."

"That's not usual Mike," she said.  (She knows him.)  "He is projecting his unhappiness onto you...I think he's depressed."  The thought had crossed my mind a few times as well. 

Last night, I came home with news that I had surpassed my super stretch sales goal for the year already (in September!) and that this meant fabulous things for me bonus-wise at the end of the year.  We decided to go out to dinner to celebrate.  He was excited for me, but by the end of the evening, he was focused on how he doesn't make enough money to have a lot left over, that I make more than him, that he never was able to pursue his real dream of performing (he has an amazing singing voice), that his family has always discouraged him....and on and on and on.  And then, that I am the only thing in his life that makes him happy.  That nothing else makes him happy.

I told him I want him to be happy with most if not all aspects of his life, not just with me.  This caused a back and forth - me staying calm, him getting a bit aggressive in his tone - and ended with him sleeping on the couch all night again. 

Then this morning he apologized for upsetting me, and asked me if he's bringing me down.  Yes, I told him.  I need to be with the Mike that is a happy person, in general.  He told me he is happy, and that he's sorry his words kept going in a different direction than he meant them to, that each time he spoke he got himself further from what he was meaning.

Do you see why I keep not knowing what to think, say, do???

If I were reading about someone else going through this ordeal a year ago - without the understanding that I now have of his anxiety issues, etc - I would think that they were being nuts to be sticking around.  But when you love someone, you will grab onto any ray of light that shines through all of the murkiness to hope that the positive part of the entire situation will prevail.

Again, I just don't know.

He has a ton of events this weekend up in Northern Connecticut, so he is staying with his friend up there from tonight through Monday.  I have a hugely busy weekend approaching with work, so it might just be another good break from each other, trying to figure out what we both want.  Or trying to understand that what we need may be different from what we want.  And what we need is more vital for us to have in the long run, than the want.  Putting that into action is another thing, though.

Progress?

He left this morning.

Gosh, did that hurt.  If I didn't have an appointment this morning for therapy, I may not have been able to arise from the sheets before noon.

I saw my therapist, and gosh does she help me.  She reaffirmed my feelings and built my confidence in order for me to make the next step that was to come: outlining for Mike what my issues are exactly and what I need for him to do in order to fix the problems, if he so wills to.

So I sent the following letter to him early this afternoon:

Hi my love,

Saturday afternoon's argument in the car stuck with me.  I know that we both ended up backing away from the disagreement rather quickly, but the feeling of the argument - another argument to add to the ones that have come about lately - seeped into me and left me upset, and truly feeling weakened.  This upset sent me into a mission to figure out exactly how I feel inside about the discord we've been experiencing. 

It came to this:  almost every argument or short tempered reaction or sharp response that has hurt me so much lately are not normal traits of yours.  I feel that they've been brought on by inconsistent doses and intervals of taking medicine, as well as by the possibility that the level/type of medicine that you are currently taking may not be right for you anymore.  The repercussions of not being regimented about your dosage and being afraid of, or just plainly resistant to, visiting and consulting a doctor don't affect just you anymore, darling - they are taking a large toll on me as well. 

You have a letter from an emergency room doctor advising you to seek a higher level of medication.  If you are concerned about limiting your access to the fast acting medication, I understand, and my offer to keep any of that sort of medication for you still stands.  I love you desperately, and I want and need you to love yourself and acknowledge the necessity of and take action in regards to seeing a doctor.  I know that you do not want to, but the people around you that are witnessing the affects that anxiety has upon you, and the one(s) you love the most, are asking and so strongly recommending that you readdress your doctor.

I've been expending so much energy lately in making sure that I do not react in a way that will upset you or make you scared that I am angry or mad or sad, that is making me constantly have to think and edit things through before I say them.  I need you to be confident in yourself and us enough to allow me to have reactions in my own natural way without the fear of it upsetting you.  This goes along, I think, with the rest of what I've mentioned here.

This is the hardest part.  In thinking so much about this subject, I realize that I cannot make you do anything that you are not willing to, and I have no desire to force you to do something that you do not have a desire to do.  I have realized though, that if you are not able to bring yourself to get help in addressing what is affecting you and why, I cannot sit here hoping that the occurrences will change and get better.  Issues with anxiety are not a situation that will get better on its own, and I know that you are aware of that.  We have to tackle it and get it under control.  I know you can do it, and I will be right here with you if you do.  But I need you first and foremost to want and take action in helping yourself. 

Please think about this, and realize that everything I've just said comes from me loving you so much that I want you and us to succeed through anything and everything.

I love you.

Love,
Lacey 

I got a phone call from him a few minutes ago, and as we hung up, he was preparing to call his doctor to schedule the first available appointment.  I didn't even have to prod him to ask me if I'd like to come along to the appointment.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes that this might be a breakthrough...

I am so transparent.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  

 

Mike could tell that something is off with me, ever since our Saturday afternoon argument.  He brought it up a couple of hours ago, and we sat down on the bed and had a super level conversation.  I told him that I love him, but I have lost so much confidence in us.  He agreed - he feels the same.  We both know we love each other immensely and that we are best friends, but we were actually able to voice out loud that we may not be the best thing for each other anymore. 

God, does that hurt to acknowledge to each other. 

He's agreed to give me space this week, and he is packing a bag tonight so that when he leaves for work in the morning, he will stay at his friend's lake house until Friday. 

I called my mom and spoke to her for an entire hour while she was at work, her just listening to me sobbing.  My heart is breaking, but I am simultaneously feeling some relief.  Albeit small, it is still relief. 

Love really effing hurts sometimes, girls.

Privacy settings.

As the nature of this blog is obviously very personal, I thought it'd be smartest to put some privacy settings on here... If you can see this, I have added you through your email address so that you can read when you are signed in.